Sunday, December 30, 2012

last day... =(

Today was our last day in the CrossRoads Park ward. =( We have made so many good friends and learned so much from those who attend this ward that its hard to say good bye. Really Hard. After the release from our callings in sacrament, I looked over to see my little Jack working hard to keep his emotions in check. With a hug from me, he broke down, when I asked why he was crying he simply said " I don't want to go". I am always amazed at what my children pick up on in life and how dramatically the things I do impact them.

Church ended with in the classic Heller way. Instead of tears and farewells it was me chasing yaya down the hall because " Joey is causing trouble" only to find my two boys in a full out wrestling war in the foyer of the church while the two wards tried to transition in classes! In the car when questioning the boys why they thought this was appropriate to wrestle in church,  joey calmly blamed it on his " tinny bear" at home.

 Of course Mike and I can't just leave that alone! So Mike starts asking questions about Tinny bear and why Joey thinks he should protect him so ferociously even in church. This conversation lead to Joey PROUDLY proclaiming " HE'S MY SON!" ...after a long pause of silence in the car as we all worked hard to keep our laughter quiet, the questioning of what that meant continued. It was cute....

I can hear mike wrestling in our room right now and telling joey " you have to keep your son safe" as joey fights to get him back from a teasing dad.

Going to church and leaving good friends was hard. BUT, I felt blessed to be reminded on the way home that no matter where I go or how many darn times I have to move, I am blessed. I am surrounded by people who love me and get to go with me. I am Blessed to be alive and blessed to have this awesome forever family. Maybe we are uprooting yet again in pursuit of a more stable life, but at least we are all on this adventure now and forever together. Me, Mike, yaya, Jack, Joey and my new grandson...Tinny Bear...



Thursday, December 27, 2012

Good Cinderella Bad Cinderella

I mentioned about two weeks ago my fascination with Cinderella.  I believe we all have a bit of a Cinderella Issue in our lives. You know, the issue where you feel like you are meant for more in life and at least for right now you are being forced to do things you don't want to. Working to many hours, scrubbing to many messes you didn't make, dealing with people who are rude and inconsiderate of your own feelings, these are all things none of us enjoy doing or dealing with. I find myself often thinking the future must be better then my current situation.

Today as I was reading my scriptures, I was reminded of something which I had forgotten, or maybe I just understood it differently this time around.  In Alma chapter 31 there is a story of a people called Zoramites, these people have become an apostate people and as they pray to God high on a stand in the middle of the room they show some of there errors in thinking, it goes like this:


Holy God, we believe that thou hast separated us from our brethren; and we do not believe in the tradition of our brethren, which was handed down to them by the childishness of their fathers; but we believe that thou hast aelected us to be thy bholychildren; and also thou hast made it known unto us that cthereshall be dno Christ.
 17 But thou art the same yesterday, today, and forever; and thou hast aelected us that we shall be saved, whilst all around us are elected to be cast by thy wrath down to hell; for the which holiness, O God, we thank thee; and we also thank thee that thou hast elected us, that we may not be led away after the foolish traditions of our brethren, which doth bbind them down to a belief of Christ, which doth lead their hearts to wander far from thee, our God.
 18 And again we thank thee, O God, that we are a chosen and a holy people. Amen.
Notice how they believe they are special? "Elected" for some thing better then those around them? Alma was Shocked when he found the people in this state of thinking and sad when he saw how hard their hearts were toward those around them.  Sometimes in our Cinderella mentality through the struggles of life do we think we are different then those around us? "meant for more"??? Do we ever look down on the poorest ( in belongings or in spirit or heck even those poor in luck or talents, lack or organizational skills, those poor in kindness, honestly or integrity- to not have an abundance of something makes that person poor in that very thing correct?)  around us because we think at some point we will not have to deal with it anymore?
I realized in my reading that I am failing in my life long goal of being like Cinderella! Cinderella never thought she was "extra special, someday meant for more, forget all you mean people-someday I will be laughing at you on the other side suckers!" The best part about her was that she was happy and confident where ever she was. Kind to all regardless of who or what they were. She understood the value of each person and animal.  When she became something more, I doubt she went around getting pay backs for all the hurt, pain, sweat and tears like in the Count of MonteCristo, she kept living life to the fullest. I would guess she even figured out how to help those who needed the help from her new better station in life. 
So who am I being day to day moment to moment? Do I have a Cinderella ideal going in my head or a Zoramite one?? I think right now I have both, but the two should not be in the same head. One is healthy and one breeds hatred and bitterness toward our fellow men. IN this Christmas season, I find myself rewiring a few thought processes....and praying I can be a bit more like the humble daughter of God I truly want to be, except I better understand that am LEARNING who that is not EXPECTING she is something extra special destined for super awesomeness....because I can't see more then a few steps ahead and the Lord sees much further. SO, I have to trust in him and keep walking with love and kindness to all around me because we are all trying to figure out our Cinderella Journey...

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Les Miserables

So, a very exciting thing happened to me yesterday, on of my close friends won two tickets to a pre- screening of Les Miserables and she took....ME! =)So here are a few of my thoughts about it and Here we are after the big show:


Yes, I look cheezy- but come on this was epic!

I need to start by saying I couldn't sleep at all last night. The images and music were so vivid and powerful that I literally could not wipe them from my brain long enough to relax and sleep. The music was INCREDIBLE the costumes and sets ( fake or real you never know these days) were equally amazing! Because of the way they filmed the movie, ( by allowing the actors to sing it out and then compose the music around that) The depth of emotion expressed was powerful and moving. I cried 3 or 4 times, I had to keep checking to make sure my friend didn't think she brought a crazy woman, but I am pretty sure the entire audience was reacting like I was. 

Some of my tears were deep sadness and shock, such as when Fantine ( Anne Hathaway) is fired from her job and then has to turn to anything to make money to save Cosette. The end of her life, the way they show her downfall and the choices she feels she has to make, is both shocking and disturbing, or it was to me. I found my self questioning if I could handle watching this and I also found my self KNOWING this will not be a movie I let my daughter watch for a very LONG time....like until after she is married. I would caution any one with younger teenagers, maybe I never listened to the music close enough-  I am not sure, but there is no masking the culture of prostitution and how it works in the movie and how degrading it is to all women.

I also found the scene between Cosette singing castle on a cloud ( so sweet!) and Jean Valjean finding her to be uncomfortable as well. Its where Madame Thénardier and Thénardier are describing the kind of business they run. They do everything from pee in a beer bottle and chop off a cats tail ( accidentially--  kind of) for food to showing Madame rub her self all over her guests and tricking "Santa" into sleeping with there resident Prostitute. I know I may be more sensitive then a lot of folks, but this scene was just a bit to much and it reaffirmed to me that this is NOT a movie for a less mature audience.

But, while those screens where disturbing and images I don't know how to remove from my head, there was so much beauty in this film. I cried tears of sympathy and I cried at the beauty of Jean Valjeans end and the life he ultimately chose to live. I came to love this man and his struggles and in the face of constant tribulation -he chooses right....every time! When he is preparing to meet his maker, the emotions felt, the way the songs are sung, well, they are beautiful and powerful.

I was also surprised at the constant mention of God in this movie. Usually when I go see a movie at the theater I hear the Lords name a lot, but not because they are actually TALKING ABOUT him. The characters in Les Miserables question their place in Gods eyes, they wonder why he abandoned them, they turn to him for peace and in the end they all return to him. Honestly, it was refreshing to see it.  I appreciated their struggles and why they would feel they way they did. 

As to the Actor and Actresses of the movie, I was very happy. Russell Crowe as Javert was perfect and well played. I found I understood his character with out hating him for doing what he thought was right. It was so well done. Of course I already said Hugh Jackman is Jean Valjeans was AMAZING. I don't know how he could have portrayed his charecter any better, I love it! I will add though that both Amanda Seyfried as Cosette  and Eddie Redmayne as Marius were not as believable as I would have liked.  The Young Cosette played by Isabelle Allen was perfect and so sweet, but Amanda Seyfried ( who I have no issues with) was annoying to me and I felt like her voice was just, eh. Eddie Redmayne as Marius was not...I don't know.... maybe, I am just use to the where wolf type leading men, but he wasn't very believable as the guy who a girl (actually two girls) would just magically fall in love with, never looking back. Or at least not to me. A nice surprise to me was Samantha Barks who plays Éponine. You love her instantly and want her to come out victor some how. Her voice is perfect and honestly I think she out sang Amanda Seyfried note for note. LOVED, love her, she was my second favorite character played in this movie.

In the end, I loved it. But I am disturbed by it. I have been questioning the last 12 hours how I could have grown up singing and loving these song and yet not fully understanding the story. I have wondered how much of what I didn't understand  were parts added by Hollywoods view of the songs and story or was my lack of understanding really that blind as to the full subject matter. I want to go back and try to erase the images and listen only to the words, but I don't know if I can because the images of this film as SO strong ( which is a victory for the film company right?). Then on the other side of it, the high points, the good in this film, were so powerful that I find myself falling in love with Les Miserables all over again. Being moved by human struggle and the choices we choose to make in the darkest moments. There are not words spoken in this movie, only sung, adding to the fact that the emotions and story are so complex and intense that you can not pull your self away because you know you will miss something important.  It was good and I am REALLY curious to see how others react...



Thursday, December 13, 2012

Big changes...

 So not to long ago I happened across an article about Multi-generation living. You can read it in that link, but the basic facts are that more and more families are going back to multi-generation living. ( I think it says 25% more in the U.S) It benefits both generations and in an economy like we currently have it can at times be the only way to get ahead.

So after a random conversation with my husband about it...and then him talking ( I didn't know he even had this conversation at first) to my parents. We realized this was something that could work and be good for our families. Honestly approaching it all much as they do in this article.

We gave notice on our house, we are moving January 12th. Its a pretty big step, but what this gives the Hellers- because its not my place to speak for the other half of the house- is peace, hope and a chance to make a BIG change in our life for the better financially.

Of all my mothers 7 children, if you told her I would be the one to approach her with this idea....well she nor I would have believed it.

But there you have it. The kids are not switching schools, but unfortunately for us because there are so many people we love where we are at, we do have to switch wards.

Anyway. If you get the chance read the article, its interesting. There is strength in numbers and the Hellers are ready to approach a better future by working with family instead of alone. Its teaspoons of progress on our own and buckets of progress when we work with our family....


Cinderella on the Brain....

When I was young ( maybe not as young as I should have been ) I had this idea of myself- I was Cinderella.  My younger sisters would gang up on me from time to time and my mother made me do chores.  My favorite chore was mopping the entry way because then I could sing " sweet nightingale" like Cinderella. Big dresses and dances, any kind of sparkle or crown, these weren't just fun, I was convinced if anyone paid attention to me close enough these things would help them see my Cinderella potential as well. At this point you may be rolling your eyes--- don't worry I am too.

 Of course I was convinced at some point my very rich handsome prince would come. Some how he would miraculously know my secret identity, or at least realize that I was different in a good way and take me to the castle where we would live happily ever after..

So, real life happens. I find a prince, but we don't have a castle and I still am mopping floors.

Don't get me wrong this blog isn't a blog about complaining how my life isn't a fairy tale  In fact, believe it or not, its the opposite.  You see, I have been trying to figure out WHY I had ( maybe still do have since I seem to be confessing here) this Cinderella Syndrome. I feel it has leaked into parts of my "grown up, big girl" life. Like when I still am mopping floors, but I don't get to sing anymore because the prince is working the the room next to me and I have to BE QUIET! OR, when I randomly get self conscience when my sisters and mom do things with out me OR when I am sitting in a room full of girls who are all having fun and appear to be comfortable.... but I just feel like I don't quite fit in.

When I was younger, I told myself it was because I was destined for great things! Hello, it takes a very special gal to be Cinderella. Not just any one can do the things she did, put up with what she did and become who she became. Now that I am older and I seem to be doing the same things as every one else- not anything extraordinary- and I am forced to re-evaluate my thought process.

So, This blog today is about a realization. A new outlook on life. I am not just like my dear Cinderella, I AM her. ( now you think I have lost it, I know, but stick with me) I am somebody special. I am different, always have been and its not going to change. I am not sure what this means, maybe its that I am in denial. But I don't think so.

 I think Cinderella was patient and kind and sweet and pretty and all those good qualities BUT we only saw the very outside view of her story. So, if you want to come on me on this journey. I am going to tell you in other blogs WHY I think we are all a bit like Cinderella.

One of my favorite songs is Carrie Underwoods Ever After it goes:

Storybook endings, fairy tales coming true
Deep down inside we want to believe they still do
In our secretest heart, it's our favourite part of the story
Let's just admit we all want to make it too

Ever ever after
If we just don't get it our own way
Ever ever after
It may only be a wish away

Start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve
Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe
Unafraid, unashamed
There is joy to be claimed in this world
You even might wind up being glad to be you

Ever ever after
Though the world will tell you it's not smart

Ever ever after
The world can be yours if you let your heart
Believe in ever after

No wonder your heart feels it's flying
Your head feels it's spinning
Each happy ending's a brand new beginning
Let yourself be enchanted, you just might break through

To ever ever after
Forever could even start today
Ever ever after
Maybe it's just one wish away
Your ever ever after

Maybe, just maybe, the best part of the Cinderella Syndrome is the part when you realize or at least believe that  your childhood dreams have already come true. We all have small moments of realization but when we REALLy realize who we are and what we already have, we see the world really differently....so stay tuned we are going digging for proof! Its time to figure out what becoming like Cinderella really means