Please Excuse Me While I Find My Way.....

Ever feel like your stuck in a nasty dark place? A swamp or dark hole. I do...often. It seems like I take a never ending journey back and forth back and forth between this dark place where I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror and this beautiful place where I understand who I am and where I am going and love my life. You might think I am a bit dramatic But to my credit, ( or so I tell myself) you might  be surprised to find  that I am not only aware of my drama side, I am working to make it into a good attribute instead of the negative one it often becomes. In my head the stages I go through look something like this:

It funny how it works, I usually don't know I am going for a walk out into the dark swamp until I am stuck in it. Then I find my self desperately trying to pull myself out of the muck I got into. I find myself full of frustration and anger. I struggle to forgive others and to let go of trials in time to move on. I find myself making constant sarcastic jokes on others behalf ( I know, full disclosure of my sins stinks! it's sad and pathetic) on top of that, there just never seems to be enough time in my day. My poor family gets to be the recipients of my poor state and I spend little to no time, doing the things I want to or should do with them.

The funny thing is, I don't need a map to find my way out anymore, I have been here too many times. I starting reading books that help me remember the kind of person I want to be, pray, read my scriptures and pay close attention to the undercurrent of thoughts happening in my head. The well know, hard fought journey is short... usually.

There is the just one problem...As I am finding my way back to the "fields of contentment" ( name the movie that I got that from!) happiness, peace, love, and family...well, that's just the part that gets confusing to me. I find my self not knowing what to say to people. I can't rely on my sarcasm or my self depreciating comments to hold up my conversations. I feel like I am tip toeing around every thing I do trying to hard to do the right things and not be selfish ...and to top it off, I am battling not being mad at others when they don't seem to want to take a similar journey! Those stinkers!! ( oh crap I just took a few steps back toward the swamp hole..... All this just so that I can make it to the field again even if just for a week or two....

This may seem negative but I don't mean it to really. I find myself in the field almost as often as I find my self in the swamp. It's the darn woods that give me the problem and that is what I wanted to address today. That awkward journey back and forth and trying to figure out who the real me is in the moment. I believe that the real me, even if its only the future me, belongs in the beautiful field. In fact I believe that ALL of God's children belong in the field, but sometimes when we are stuck in the swamp or trying to get through the woods it gets confusing and disheartening.

The whole reason I have once again opened the window into my weird brain, is to ask for your patience. When I am in the swamp or woods....which again, happens often.... Please remember me in the field and know I must just not be in the proper place. I hope you know this in return, I will work hard to remember you as you are in the fields too....unless I am in the swamp-  then I might be a little slow to remember and for that I apologize in advance.