Thursday, June 26, 2008

This week

Well this week has been crazy and good. Mike is off at scout camp for the whole week! I dropped him off Monday morning at 5.30 A.M. It was hard letting him go because he wasn't supposed to have cell service and a week is a long time to not even TALK to my best friend. BUT, Monday night he called..yeah it works up there but not in our own house, who knew?
Some how I was able to talk my Dad into sending my MOM up my way for most of the week. We have had a great time. Mom managed to get 5, yes count them 1,2,3,4,5 trips to Brock's ice cream while she stayed for three days=) we shopped yesterday and went to a movie. on Monday I felt sick so mom being amazing cleaned up Jacksons mess. He managed to not just wet his pants but spray every thing in his whole room, in front of the other kids. The fact that he did this was confusing as it was(he usually does not do things like that)to make the situation more fun, after the mess was cleaned and he had fresh pants on, it was reported that he now pooped in his room and was again a big mess!! I did not even know what to do with that! So I was wondering if after her first day she would think about leaving early, but she didn't. we tried our best to find fresh berries, but to no avail! but there was lots of laughing, crying and it was just nice to have her here. Of course on Wednesday night the trip was finished off with endless chocolate dipped strawberries, Jack would not leave the table until he was sure he had eaten all he could! This morning they got up early and left, taking my sweet Ya Ya with them for the week. I miss her so much already. I am wondering what a full week with out her will be like. It just feels weird, but I am glad she gets to spend this time with grandma and enjoying the southern California sun! I am so grateful for My mom and all she has given me over the years and as I grow I realize all that she sacrificed for me and still continues to give even as I have my own family and begin the lessons of motherhood on my own.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

AHHHH!

So I always have heard it only takes one wrong word or letter to take you someplace bad on the internet; But lets face it, While I didn't doubt that was true, I also had NEVER had the one wrong click happen in my life.....until yesterday. As I am making my internet rounds for the day I decided to check out my face book account. yup- you guessed it!- I mis-typed the spelling and I was looking at some thing that shocked me! I won't go into details, lets just say in effort to get it off my computer I ended up there twice and am now permanently scarred for life. So just know if my blogging is not consistent maybe its because right now I have to think twice before stuffing the internet! goodness!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Kid lessons

Just on a personal note. I like to us the words " we, us, our" when i write my thoughts, this is just a way for me to write more generally and I do not think that any one necessarily has the same issues in life that I do. Maybe it just makes me feel better to think we all do! =)

So this week we have been sick! Mike is sick, Olivia and Jackson are both sick, so that leaves this awesome feeling pregnant women to care for them. Which is fine actually, I have enjoyed being the care taker of my sick family. we are all sick together! but all this down time made me think about how stubborn my kids are. Olivia would not let me take her temperature! She knew if she had a fever then she would have to take medicine and she did NOT want to do that. Instead she kicked and yelled at me and then hid in the closet where hopefully I would not find her. The problem is that she DID have a fever and needed medicine, so she could get better! But she did not want mommys help she was more then capable, in her mind, of taking care of her self.

Then this morning Jackson came in to the kitchen crying because his belt did not work. well it did, he just didn't know how to make it work. When I offered to help him, he yelled "NO!" and started crying because he was frustrated. HE wanted to do it him self!

Notice the word self at the end of both paragraphs. I realized this is like our relationship with our Heavenly Father. He wants to help us. Most of the the time ( in my case all the time) we can not do it by our selves. Instead of figuring that out and letting him help us, we yell "NO" and then get frustrated or hide until we figure out how to do it. Which we won't, because life is a task not meant to be done alone; Our knowledge is too little to know how to take care of our selves or fix every problem. SO maybe next time I am frustrated and feel like yelling. I should remember there is some one who wants to help. I just have to not be so STUBBORN!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Funny Jack

So Two Quick Stories about Jackson.......

1. The Name!

I recently learned that Jackson Could spell his name! We are very proud of his quick mind and Think he has a lot of potential in the academic world- IF we can just get him to Focus on one thing for more then a second at a time. He just turned three in march and can already name all his letters and the sounds that go with them. But I didn't realize he had learned how to spell his name. As you can imagine I was very proud and excited for him, but there is one small problem; he can't EVER remember the "A" when spelling it, so this throws off the whole thing. So, on Saturday I was telling a friend about all this thinking it was cute and then I realized I was the one who had caused the problem! when we moved, I hung up all his big red letters, which spell his name, on the wall directly across from his bed. I figured out that he must be staring at them as he falls asleep, over time he learned how to spell his own name; which is sweet, except some how in the move I lost "A". So on the wall is J_CKSON. hmm... I guess its time to replace the letters huh?


2. Big "Elbows"

So last Saturday Jacks and Ya Ya got the traditional day before Sunday scrub down. After the bath I always trim nails, get them lathered up in thick lotion and they get on their p.js. while I was putting lotion on Jack, he asked me about his elbows. One problem though- he was pointing to the nipples one his chest! I showed him where his elbows really were but this was not enough to stop the questions! he asked more about his "nipples" using the new word he learned ( I didn't know what to call them) he wanted to know if they were going to get big some day. I told him only girls get big, He was then curious if his sisters would get big. So as every one can imagine it was a fun conversation. eventually we moved on to other body parts like eyes and knees and things like that and I went to bed proudly feeling like I had properly handled the situation and that my son knew now where his elbows really were. then this morning while we were cleaning the kids room, we stopped to sit down and talk and take a break ( yes, it was SO bad we took a break) at which point Jackson looked at me and directly at my shirt and said " Mom, you have REALLY big elbows!" Looks like we have some more talking to do! =)

Monday, June 9, 2008

Who I am?

It has come to my attention that maybe no one reads this blog! lol. but thats O.K because if some one decides to and gets some laughter or maybe my thoughts resonate with them at any point- or- if NO ONE EVER reads it and I just am better at journaling, then that is good enough!

This Last few months have been interesting for me. while I would Love to blame it on the pregnant hormones and I do believe they have played maybe even a large factor, it hasn't made my feelings or struggles any less intense or unreal. as I have searched for answers I learned I already had them all. I had been taught them in the seats of my church building or on the couch of a dear friend as we discussed gospel truth. I learned them for my parents or even some from people in my life who did not believe as I did and conversations went from there. As the lord has helped me work through my struggles and light has come in small and large pieces, I found I still had one major area I struggled with. feeling love.

that sounds crazy right? I know there are people all around me that love me. My husband number one. but for some reason I have not felt any value in me, myself. as I thought through these things I was about to put it aside and pretend that the struggle was not going on when I had a sweet friend say " have you ever wondered what happened to us? We were both successful business women when we met. we were interesting, funny and did as we pleased. now, we sit in the home and clean up puke and try to remember the simple things that for some reason our brain no longer remembers. What happened?" While I realize, as did she, that the joys of mother hood are precious and not EVER would we trade it. this questioning brought me full circle to feeling empty and worthless. what am I? what is interesting, or fascinating about this girl who is emotional and can't manage to get of the couch most days- let alone be funny and intriguing as the "other girls" of the world?

Let me tell you how grateful I am that my savior DOES love me and he understands me enough to share what he sees when I needed it most. yesterday As I sat in church with a bloody nose and onery kids, feeling nausea and hot. It came to me. the light I had been desperately wanting. I sat there bearing my testimony in my little heart and all the sudden I felt his love for me in overwhelming amounts. I saw my self as he saw me; As a Daughter of a king who is strong when she follows him; who is brave for the things that are right; whose true desire in life is to live as he would have her live, to follow him in every possible (big and small) way that I am capable of. I saw that he knew of my deep love for him, and he loves me even more then I can fully feel. At that moment it I knew it did not matter what every one else in the world, even my sweet family, thought. It does not matter what hobbies I can do or how much I got done in a day. I don't have to look like model or always be funny and fascinating. Those who love me will love me (if nothing else) for my love of the savior, which, we hopefully share. this is my how I find value. This is how I feel loved, By knowing him and partaking of this love each day I in turn feel his love and am more receptive to the love of others. In high school I always told people I was happy Because " I know who I am and where I am going." As I have grown I realize that was not 100% correct. I do know who I am, but I only know where I WANT to go. I thought I was all strong and powerful and could do it on my own. time is teaching me that I truly am nothing with out my savior and I can't just know where I am going. it is only total dependence on him that I will be able to take life a step at a time, most of the time not seeing what is before me. I need him more then I ever knew before and I am sure through the years I will learn even further of my own weakness with out him. Knowing these truths has helped me understand why I need to know of his love and my of value before him. with out knowing these things life would feel hopeless and hopeless was where yesterday took me before I was blessed to again feel of his deep love for me and all those around me, as divine spirits our father.

I share this long message because I needed to share, maybe some one will take the time to read this very long post. maybe you also have struggled to feel his love. but my message is this: you know the answers! You have learned them, and he does love you and so badly wants to share that. each of us are divine in that we are children of a Heavenly Father and when we realize that one thing and all that comes with that one aspect of our existence, THEN is when we find happiness and that is when we feel love. The true love of Christ. I pray I can and we all will continue to feel his love and find value in being a daughter of God.

Friday, June 6, 2008

A Monster?


Summer has officially begun in the Heller house! With the coming of summer has come many amazing and fun experiences already. We have been having SO much fun as a family the regular bedtime and nap schedules have been thrown out the window and have cleared the way for endless hours of fun. As most of us know though, throwing out the bed routine also eventually comes back to bite you. Today is the day. I have been bitten by the sleep less sweeties in my house! at one point as I escorted my oldest to her room for the third time (in less then ten minutes) she yelled " but mom its Olivia you NEVER put me on my bed!" Of course what she says is pretty accurate. Since Jack is the natural goofy and curious little monkey of the family, he spends time on his bed for the trouble that can sometimes accompany such behavior. Olivia, is usually quick to obey and so in general avoids the whole "time out" thing all together. I then remembered that no sleep brings out the Monsters in ALL of us at some point. right? I suppose the endless summer fun will have to be a little more contained, lesson learned again, the whole "all things in moderation" is truly wisdom straight from above. I am so glad we are all going to a base ball game tonight that doesn't even start until 7 pm. Tomorrow should be interesting! =) In the end I guess maybe no lesson has been learned, but what can I say- Hellers have FUN!