auditions

Well I have not know what the heck to write for several days now. this whole thing has been so much more emotional then I ever anticipated, so what to write? We went up Tuesday to get our wrist bands, right after I picked up the kids from their first day of school. About twenty minutes from the park the car started making crazy noises and we didn't even know if we would make it home! we ended up driving around San Francisco searching for a mechanic, of course there were not too many open after 5:30, so we were able to get a guy as he was closing the doors to at least diagnose it and tell us we probably wouldn't make it home. so we got our wrist band and decided we should eat, except on our way to the pizza place up the street a cop stopped us and told us it was dangerous where we were and we should get to our car immediately and get out of there....so with a couple of prayers, driving super slow, stopping a lot and a few adventures along the way we finally made it home at 11;30.

On wednesday I was tired and anxious for the next day, my sweet friend called to tell me she has some things come up and she could no longer go with me to auditions. I spent most of the day a emotional wreck trying to get the courage to go all alone. Of course my hero came to the rescue and mike called me at 7 p.m to let me know he had talked to his boss and he would be coming along with me!

thursday we woke up at 4:30 a.m. already exhausted from all the emotional hoopla and a few weeks of sleep less nights ( which don't seem to be going away any time soon) we hopped in the car and headed to San Fran. We got there around 7:30 we ended up in "section 4" of the line. we were told and estimated 10,000 people came to the auditions! we got into the stadium right after 8, there were camera every where and the crowd was all jazzed up, bo bice came and sang we will rock you, it was a fun atmosphere! not TOO many crazies, not as many as you might think. a lot of singing in the corner and glee groups braking out in happy singing. the bathrooms were crazy with singers and make up touch ups. Of course we thought it would be cold, its san fran on the ocean!! its always cold....except on Thursday! it was HOT HOT HOT. mikes face got fried! we really just hung out and waited until 5:15 when our sections got called down. They lined us up in rows of 4 and sent us to wait in lines by a tent. when it was our rows turn I got about 10 seconds, they never cut me off they let me Finnish what I had prepared. but our whole line was cut. the two girls next to me where confident and amazing singers, but they got cut to, in fact the one girls tried begging, saying she had been to all 6 audition locations and not made it!! as soon as you are cut, they cut off your wrist band and you walk directly out the stadium.
honestly the actual moment was such a blur, I know I was on pitch, but not that loud, and i know I knew when she called us all forward it was a no..which is what she said " its a no".

So then the emotions came, totally unexpected. I thought I would feel so proud of my self but honestly I just felt tired and emotional. I still cant seem to work through it all in my head. I think I am glad I did it. I think if they came back next year I might try just for the heck of it. but I can't seem to figure out what to do with my self, which is strange since I always have so much going on...and obviously I have an amazing life. The pinnacle of the emotions was when I got home and the kids had made a sign. they just couldn't understand why their mom didn't make it. So yeah. there you go. I wish I had something amazing and strong to say...but I just dont. maybe tomorrow... I will post the pictures tomorrow to for those of you who haven't seen them on face book.

first day of school!!

waiting in line fore class to start!

Hes tryin to figure out whats going on, he thinks something cool MIGHT be happening!

the back pack!

LETS GO MOM!!

Yes, these are her crazy shoes, she loves them and you should see them when they light up!

OH isn't he handsome?? melts any gals heart....

today was the kids first day of school! Jack was excited! olivia was so excited...until we got to the door of her class. =( but over all, if feels great to know that my children are in a safe place with fabulous teachers and good friends! so today is the start of all craziness...here we go!!

I figured it OUT!!!

This last few weeks have been such a journey for me, I have never felt so small and weak in my life then when I have looked inward and under a microscope at my very own flaws, the ones I usually pretend aren't there, the ones that have come from years and years of uncontrolled negative thoughts ( about my self). So with the emotions in check--- can I just say its taken A LOT to get them " in check" thanks goes out to jill for Hours of talking with me!!!--- I have moved forward, grateful that I have had the chance to look harder at my self, my flaws and my MANY MANY blessings. One of which is my voice.

Whether you like it or not, whether I am confident with it or not, The simple fact is that the Lord gave me a voice, that is usually in tune and which I have used through out my whole life to share my feelings with those about me, mostly my feelings about God and our divine natures. I have loved music since before I could talk, my mom said I sang in my sleep as a baby, and that has never gone away as I have grown older. People around have always seemed to understand and appreciate this gift.

So last night we had the opportunity to go to an activity for our church, there was swimming and food and then some of the guys got up with electric guitars, drums and all that goes with it and put on a show, they were awesome!! The kids couldn't refrain from jumping up and dancing all around the room, all the kids- except one, My sweet little Olivia. She wanted to join, her friend molly tried with all her might to get Olivia to join, but Olivia just couldn't let her self do it. she stood totally still, I could tell she was scared to even tap her foot because then it would give away the fact that she really wanted to dance and Molly might put up the fight again.

As I watched her, I realized I was watching me. This is how I often Live life and this is how I have approached singing. scared. scared to just let go, to embrace the music and just love it and enjoy it! Even when I do sing, its rigid, because I am scared. Now don't get me wrong, In my teenage years I thought pretty highly of my own talents, so there were a few moments when I forgot to be scared, those are the moments I keep trying to re-create. Because I never enjoy singing when I am scared, only when I let go and just go for it. Wonder if this has anything else to do with the rest of my life?? LOL

So in this moment last night I figured it out. I have to try out for this, I might not make it, maybe no one will like what I sing or how I sound or how I look, I but need Olivia to see, that I know how to go for it, even if it scares me so bad I want to run the other way and pretend I don't care any more. Lying to my self becuase of fear hurts me, and last night I realized it effects others around me too. Poor molly didn't enjoy her dancing as much ethier, not with out her friend beside her. What things have I been scared of that some one else was hurt becuase I didn't step up?

I want Olivia to see that she can be brave , no matter the out come.

I am her example in all things as her mom. So for Olivia, because I lack the strength on my own, I can fight on Thursday and work my best to Let it all go, sing my heart out and not care about the outcome, because letting go and enjoying the journey is really a huge part of why we are here. Like that song, : "if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you DANCE" ( I love that song) but for me It's " I hope you SING". and sing I will. Wish me luck because for once in my life I intend to put it all out there. not worrying about the outcome!

one heck of a morning.

This morning i decided we should have a better day then yesterday. yesterday was just " one of those days" for me personally. By four in the afternoon i had a good melt down and I was grateful for my- always amazing- neighbor, who helped me put things back in perspective and end on a higher note.....literally!

So this morning I woke up tired but pretty determined to be and do better today.....so we found the back yard just beyond torn up by the lovely dog, I mean it was bad, so the kids started to pick it up while I cleaned inside. Olivia and I had to go round and around because she lied to me and then threw a HUGE fit when I pointed it out and sent her to her room.Joey had two HUGE blow outs and jackson decided his word of the day is " NO!!"- by ten I was already tired and decided to "start fresh" get a long shower and regroup.

As soon as I got out of the shower Olivia came running in yelling " the sink in over flowing all over onto the floor. " Luckily it was the garage sink, not so lucky our garage happens to be a crazy mess of things because of the kids pulling it totally apart this last week and not putting any thing away, so about 5 loads of laundry and too many things to name are now being soaked by my laundry water.

Olivia and I jump into action with buckets, dumping the water in the back yard...she was wonderful, unfortunately the rest of my children decided this was their moment to truly shine! joey had another blow out which I didn't catch in the moment because of the over flowing sink...so he wandered the neighbor hood with a mess all down his legs, the dog escaped and was running free ( she is hard to catch) and Jackson continued his mantra of " NO"as I am shouting for help with various things. I had to laugh a bit. I mean if I were our neighbors I would look and the nasty garage- now open to the world, the sink with water freely flowing into the street, the frantic mom, poop down the legs baby, crazy dog on the loose and DS yelling NO 5 years old and wonder who the heck these people were.

we are still working on getting the mess cleaned up....but currently we have all taken a break. so as I am trying to once again regroup this morning and get the house which is now worse then before cleaned up, on a day when I need to be on top of things because my husband has huge things going on, and I have to wonder what I am supposed to be learning at this moment, because it seems like I have had day after day like this lately. you know I actually was singing to myself this song, in the craziness...just because I needed it.

" my life is a gift, my life has a plan,
my life has a purpose in heaven it began,
my choice was to come to this lovely home and earth,
and seek for God light to direct me from birth,
I will follow Gods plan for me,
holding fast to his word and his love,
I will work and i will pray,
I will always walk in his way,
and I will be happy on earth,
and in my home above."

i suppose that all I need to remember right?

s

Sick

I am Sick...I mean, I am SICK of being sick. It all stared the week of Eclipse, and it still hasn't gone away. so a now over a month of feeling like I can't breath..I can't run or swim, or sing or really clean properly. I am tired all the time...becuase I can't breath...so I am sick of it. I decided I was going to get better on sunday, just belivie it and pray about it and dang it, it was gonna work...it kind of did, but after a week of "getting better" I find myself in a worse spot then before, the cough has returned. Tomorrow is a third dr. appt. I hope she has some magic up her sleeve cause I am SO over this!! ( now that I have vented...I MAY be able to get over it) lol

the not so still pool

Mike and I started P90X this week, OH MAN, I cant hardly move! So yesterday while I tried to cool down, I stepped out into our back yard and sat to enjoy the very calming still pool. It is such a pretty shade of blue and seemingly so still, which was refreshing since most of the time when I am out there I am playing with the kids and trying to keep Joey safe ( hes crazy).
as I watched the still water it occurred to me that it was never really still. In the big pool I could see the tiniest things such as a baby fly or seed of a plant sent small ripples across ed the entire body of water. since there are ALWAYS small things entering the water, its ALWAYS moving.

I thought about my stress level. I often think, If I could remove the stress from my life it would be like a calm pool, wouldn't that be relaxing? Except on this morning I realized it would not be possible for me to really enjoy the pool with out dipping into its refreshing waters. But if I let myself into the water then it creates bigger waves...the calmness of the still pool disappears, so if I am enjoying life, its probably going to come with some stress...maybe from trying to get all the things I need to get done, DONE..... and still enjoying the day, or maybe from wanting to go places and then working to afford it...either way stress comes with life....

In the end pools are not meant to be swam in alone..not if you want to have fun!! except I realized that If I have others join me in my pool,9 heck even my husband and kids...which obviously I chose that route in life =)) well, that creates huge waves and splashes...so it is with our life, the more people you let into your pool the more stress....

so the even though I understand better how stress works in my life -because of my pool, I also am learning how to manage, my waves and splashes and ripples and even enjoy them, because if the pool is like my life, then I better jump in and enjoy it!

By the way obviously I love analogy's this is just how my brain works, so for those of you who take the time to read this, Just know I really love you!!