I figured it OUT!!!

This last few weeks have been such a journey for me, I have never felt so small and weak in my life then when I have looked inward and under a microscope at my very own flaws, the ones I usually pretend aren't there, the ones that have come from years and years of uncontrolled negative thoughts ( about my self). So with the emotions in check--- can I just say its taken A LOT to get them " in check" thanks goes out to jill for Hours of talking with me!!!--- I have moved forward, grateful that I have had the chance to look harder at my self, my flaws and my MANY MANY blessings. One of which is my voice.

Whether you like it or not, whether I am confident with it or not, The simple fact is that the Lord gave me a voice, that is usually in tune and which I have used through out my whole life to share my feelings with those about me, mostly my feelings about God and our divine natures. I have loved music since before I could talk, my mom said I sang in my sleep as a baby, and that has never gone away as I have grown older. People around have always seemed to understand and appreciate this gift.

So last night we had the opportunity to go to an activity for our church, there was swimming and food and then some of the guys got up with electric guitars, drums and all that goes with it and put on a show, they were awesome!! The kids couldn't refrain from jumping up and dancing all around the room, all the kids- except one, My sweet little Olivia. She wanted to join, her friend molly tried with all her might to get Olivia to join, but Olivia just couldn't let her self do it. she stood totally still, I could tell she was scared to even tap her foot because then it would give away the fact that she really wanted to dance and Molly might put up the fight again.

As I watched her, I realized I was watching me. This is how I often Live life and this is how I have approached singing. scared. scared to just let go, to embrace the music and just love it and enjoy it! Even when I do sing, its rigid, because I am scared. Now don't get me wrong, In my teenage years I thought pretty highly of my own talents, so there were a few moments when I forgot to be scared, those are the moments I keep trying to re-create. Because I never enjoy singing when I am scared, only when I let go and just go for it. Wonder if this has anything else to do with the rest of my life?? LOL

So in this moment last night I figured it out. I have to try out for this, I might not make it, maybe no one will like what I sing or how I sound or how I look, I but need Olivia to see, that I know how to go for it, even if it scares me so bad I want to run the other way and pretend I don't care any more. Lying to my self becuase of fear hurts me, and last night I realized it effects others around me too. Poor molly didn't enjoy her dancing as much ethier, not with out her friend beside her. What things have I been scared of that some one else was hurt becuase I didn't step up?

I want Olivia to see that she can be brave , no matter the out come.

I am her example in all things as her mom. So for Olivia, because I lack the strength on my own, I can fight on Thursday and work my best to Let it all go, sing my heart out and not care about the outcome, because letting go and enjoying the journey is really a huge part of why we are here. Like that song, : "if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you DANCE" ( I love that song) but for me It's " I hope you SING". and sing I will. Wish me luck because for once in my life I intend to put it all out there. not worrying about the outcome!