Who I am?

It has come to my attention that maybe no one reads this blog! lol. but thats O.K because if some one decides to and gets some laughter or maybe my thoughts resonate with them at any point- or- if NO ONE EVER reads it and I just am better at journaling, then that is good enough!

This Last few months have been interesting for me. while I would Love to blame it on the pregnant hormones and I do believe they have played maybe even a large factor, it hasn't made my feelings or struggles any less intense or unreal. as I have searched for answers I learned I already had them all. I had been taught them in the seats of my church building or on the couch of a dear friend as we discussed gospel truth. I learned them for my parents or even some from people in my life who did not believe as I did and conversations went from there. As the lord has helped me work through my struggles and light has come in small and large pieces, I found I still had one major area I struggled with. feeling love.

that sounds crazy right? I know there are people all around me that love me. My husband number one. but for some reason I have not felt any value in me, myself. as I thought through these things I was about to put it aside and pretend that the struggle was not going on when I had a sweet friend say " have you ever wondered what happened to us? We were both successful business women when we met. we were interesting, funny and did as we pleased. now, we sit in the home and clean up puke and try to remember the simple things that for some reason our brain no longer remembers. What happened?" While I realize, as did she, that the joys of mother hood are precious and not EVER would we trade it. this questioning brought me full circle to feeling empty and worthless. what am I? what is interesting, or fascinating about this girl who is emotional and can't manage to get of the couch most days- let alone be funny and intriguing as the "other girls" of the world?

Let me tell you how grateful I am that my savior DOES love me and he understands me enough to share what he sees when I needed it most. yesterday As I sat in church with a bloody nose and onery kids, feeling nausea and hot. It came to me. the light I had been desperately wanting. I sat there bearing my testimony in my little heart and all the sudden I felt his love for me in overwhelming amounts. I saw my self as he saw me; As a Daughter of a king who is strong when she follows him; who is brave for the things that are right; whose true desire in life is to live as he would have her live, to follow him in every possible (big and small) way that I am capable of. I saw that he knew of my deep love for him, and he loves me even more then I can fully feel. At that moment it I knew it did not matter what every one else in the world, even my sweet family, thought. It does not matter what hobbies I can do or how much I got done in a day. I don't have to look like model or always be funny and fascinating. Those who love me will love me (if nothing else) for my love of the savior, which, we hopefully share. this is my how I find value. This is how I feel loved, By knowing him and partaking of this love each day I in turn feel his love and am more receptive to the love of others. In high school I always told people I was happy Because " I know who I am and where I am going." As I have grown I realize that was not 100% correct. I do know who I am, but I only know where I WANT to go. I thought I was all strong and powerful and could do it on my own. time is teaching me that I truly am nothing with out my savior and I can't just know where I am going. it is only total dependence on him that I will be able to take life a step at a time, most of the time not seeing what is before me. I need him more then I ever knew before and I am sure through the years I will learn even further of my own weakness with out him. Knowing these truths has helped me understand why I need to know of his love and my of value before him. with out knowing these things life would feel hopeless and hopeless was where yesterday took me before I was blessed to again feel of his deep love for me and all those around me, as divine spirits our father.

I share this long message because I needed to share, maybe some one will take the time to read this very long post. maybe you also have struggled to feel his love. but my message is this: you know the answers! You have learned them, and he does love you and so badly wants to share that. each of us are divine in that we are children of a Heavenly Father and when we realize that one thing and all that comes with that one aspect of our existence, THEN is when we find happiness and that is when we feel love. The true love of Christ. I pray I can and we all will continue to feel his love and find value in being a daughter of God.