My not so perfect/ perfect life.

After a nice talk as a couple last night Mike and I decided to make some positive changes in our lives. So I made sure not to do ANYTHING until my " priorities" were taken care of first. Of course, as it always seems to when you put the important things first, my day went beautifully. Read my scriptures, prepared a great Family Home Evening, Spent time with my little man, lunch with one of my favorite sassy ladies, renewed a childhood friendship,Listened to great music all day, spent time with my littlest sister, cleaned, worked, all of it before 4:00 P.M.

Yep, I was feeling amazing....and then...

The chicken at dinner wouldn't cook, why? you got me, I am a good cook- I couldn't figure it out. My GF pasta was doing strange things. The Garlic ( MAJOR ingredient in tonight's dinner) was no where to be found, so I looked for that power garlic stuff that my mom keeps by the buckets, nope, not a single, gritty little speck. Then I discover that Joey took my 7.00 Pint size DF ice cream out of the freezer at some point today. My entire FHE lesson was based on an object lesson using ice cream, and it was dessert...and it was EXPENSIVE and now pretty much ruined! My daughter had a small meltdown over friend problems and the boys decided to have an all our running, yelling like baboons, shooting nerf guns war. 

As the headache started to set in I thought, My life is JUUUUUSSSSTT perfect.

A Quick prayer was said as I anxiously watched my chicken. I knew I don't deserve any super star treatment from The Lord, but I was worried about the negative thought train I was about to embark on.... so I asked for help.

and then......

My noodles worked out somehow. I think I had an o.k talk with Olivia. I remembered that this one seasoning mixture I use had a main ingredient of garlic powder and if I used it, It MIGHT work out. My brother took pity on me and helped calm the boys down. Olivia made a magical suggestion to use the lump of ice cream in the middle of the pint that was still frozen for my lesson, put the rest in the freezer and then make milkshakes for dessert. The chicken finally cooked, and we sat down for a nice dinner as a family.

At dinner I found my self looking at my children and realizing everything somehow worked out and then I thanked The Lord for my not so perfect/ perfect life.

Because I choose so...

I think I could be a comedian. See? Your laughing already. ;)

 No seriously, I just got out of the shower on a hundred and bazillion degree day and came up with a whole parody about my Arizona "shower after my shower" talking about the amount of sweat you sweat AFTER your shower here in AZ because its SO stinkin' hot. But the problem is I would have to let you into my secret head space, the one that uses crass words and gross analogies to get my point across and be " funny". I thought about sharing a little here with you, but then I realized that it would forever alter the way those I love see me AND inturn effect how I see my self.

You see, I am in no way shape or form perfect or even have the cleanest, most innocent mind, but most people (even family) do not realize this. You know why? Because I choose not to share it.   In high school friends would say " Brigette you would never say something mean about _____ or never talk about_____" but it wasn't because the mean thoughts or other types of thoughts didn't exist. It was because I choose not to share it.

You might be asking why I am letting you in on this secret or why it even matters. It's because I see so many wonderful strong individuals choosing to share their inappropriate thoughts in order to get a few more likes on face book or get re-tweeted on Twitter. Then it moves to their REAL social life and the stories that should never be shared start getting a little action and with the laughter a few more stories get shared. HELLO, what happens in your bedroom or after your shower, or in the bathroom and a dr.s appt, should stay there and not be laid out for our entertainment. Who are we becoming as individuals and as a society? Where does this all lead us? What are we showing our children of living a good honest and real life?

 Now you think I am a snot, I know, I get it a LOT, and in the last ten years as our society and the manners by which we once lived deteriorate, I get it even more. I feel alone a weird sometimes for choosing not to be my inner, more natural self. Instead, I believe I am WORKING everyday on being MORE then my natural inner self. I choose the Downton Abby way of manners more often then Arrested Development ( which seriously have you read my blog? or followed my family on FB? Our family could be the next big honey boo boo type show). NOT that it's not funny, but I have noticed the more I watch "funny" the more I think its o.k to be that way.

I choose not to because in my religion we believe in a life after this one, One that will be determined by the condition of your heart here in this life and the choices you made. I believe in being more then I currently am, that's also why I love the American dream- it's all about becoming more, and its acutally possible. I think of the after life much the same, I can become more,do more, be more,  but not with out constant work, diligence and my sight aligned with correct principles and views. I Choose not to.... not because its easy but because I believe My Savior when he tells me I can be more.

fun...

Got to do this fun thing for work....

• Who was your favorite celebrity as a child? Debbie Gibson, Mariah Carey
• What type of pets do you have? I have a cute dog names Mylie
• What is your favorite color? anything sparkely 
• What is most memorable about your high school years? HA! leaving them...no probably cheerleading
• What word describes you best?  my daughter says " talented" I say "honest"..lol
• What is your greatest accomplishment? my greatest accomplishment comes at the end of every day when I tuck my children in bed and know they feel loved and safe...
• What drives you every day? adventure, I am always looking for a new adventure, something new to learn
• Where do you want to retire? Somewhere warm
• What is your business goal this year? To feel like I am contributing my fullest to all I am involved in.
• Where do you like to vacation? Anywhere!
• Who do you admire? I admire any one who is grounded and honest through their trials of life.
• What is your mission? to leave this world better then it is currently.
• If you were invisible, where would you go? LOL, probably the White house, need to see what Obama is REALLY up to. lol
• What traits in others are you attracted to? fun, real, hard working, those with a cause.
• What is the kindest thing anyone has done for you? there are many friends who have been kind to me but specifically I remember that When My grandma died a friend from Montana sent me flowers, I  was SO lonely and he remembered me when no one else did.
• How do you want to be remembered? as a person who was totally true to herself, hopefully that means I was kind and hard working and fun...lol
• What would you do with a million dollars? put money aside for my kids college and wedding and missions, buy a house, travel the world...put some in a few different charities I believe in.
• If you were on an island, who would you want to be with? Why? My man Mike, he is my best friend.
• You have a 10 minute speech to give at a banquet, what is it about? Standing for something, fighting for what you believe regardless of what it is.
• If the TV is on, I'm watching... DWTS, anything wedding related, Psych, parks and Rec, downton Abbey
• If the refrigerator is open, I'm grabbing a.... Sobe life water

• I want(ed) to be a Singer when I grow/grew up.
• It's Saturday night at 8PM. You'll find me ....on a perfect night, eating icecream
• It's Monday morning at 7AM. You'll find me .... cleaning and eating breakfast with the kids
• What was your favorite childhood toy? I don't think I had one..
• If you could take a trip to any place in the world, where would you go? Israel, Italy
• If you could only eat one food, and nothing else, for three days in a row, what would it be? peanut butter chocolate milk shakes!
• What is your favorite movie? So cheezy. Pride and prejudice ( newest version)
• What's one thing for which you'd like to be remembered? Didn't I already answer this? being awesome, but mostly for being kind and making changes where they need to happen.
• If I had more time, I would- this list is TOO long, work on my music skills both vocal and piano/guitar/organ, be crafty, actually get everything done I set out to every morning___.
• What's your idea of a perfect date? just a night with no stress for money and my mike with me.
• Please describe a goal on your life's to-do list.- to conquer fear. fear of what I can or can't do, fear of feeling guilty for what I don't, fear of messing up whatever I am currently doing.

He gets it

Well, I can honestly say I don't know what to do with my self right now. He got it. The Dr. Understood the whys, the how's and the options as to how to figure it all out- including several I had not considered....all of it. He talked with us for almost and hour and a half. Asked the questions I needed to hear, thought of things I hadn't heard of for if  it ISN'T celiac, that we can then look at...all of it. He got it. Tomorrow we will get the blood work done, and in about 10 days I can make a plan with the Dr. of how to move forward.

The goal?

To get answers and to improve Jacks quality of life..or so says the Dr....and agrees the very thankful mom.

Big day for Jack.

In 45 minutes I head up to see a G.I specialist here in Phoenix. Jack came to me several months ago and asked if he could go through the testing for Celiac Disease. He was very serious and I could tell he had spent a lot of time thinking about it. He told me he felt like he needed to know if this was something he was going to have to live with his whole life. He wanted to know if when he was " glutened" if it was damaging his body or not and what that would mean for the future. He wanted to know so that he could better combat the social struggles that come from being different from all the other kids at school. He wanted to know...for himself.

I went to my room and cried...and cried... You see to get tested for celiac after being on a gluten free diet for so long, Jack will need to eat the very thing that makes him sick for about two months. Essentially, he has to damage his body ( intestines specifically) so badly that when they do a biopsy at the end of the 6 weeks, it will show conclusively that he has celiac. I cried for two reasons. first, I know what eating wheat will do o him, how his body will hurt, how emotional he will be, how sick he will eventually get from an immune system that is shot. no mom can feel happy about hurting their child. Can I even feel o.k with knowing what I am allowing to happen to his body?? Second, WHAT IF I put him through all that pain and the biopsy comes back negative? What if he goes through all that only to discover its NCGS or non- celiac gluten sensitivity??

There is one other test I can ask for instead of putting him through the pain of eating wheat, its a genetic test. This was recommended to me by one of my favorite Dr.'s at the CDF conference two months ago and what gave me the courage to see this through for jack. While I feel like its our best and least painful option, Mike and I have already decided that if the G.I Dr. here feels like we need to do the biopsy, then we will. At some point in all this I have to trust a Dr. somewhere.

Originally when I called to get the appt. We could not even get in until the end of July, after school starts. I was devastated, because last time jack even had 2 bites of cherrios ( link for that HERE) he was a mess and missed 2 days of school. Yesterday I got the call saying they had an opening if we could come. This would allow Jack to go through this process with out interfering with his schooling. A HUGE blessing!!

I am so nervous and scared, if this does not go well where do we go?? what do I do? This morning I called this insurance agency and trying to remeber specific information of how this has all played out so that my emotions will not get the best of me. If you are curious as to how we went Gluten free in the first place I blogged about it about a year ago, here is the LINK for that.

Anyway, blogging helps calm me down. I have so many thoughts and emotions about it all and not time to write them out completely. But for those who know and love us, I wanted to give the basic information about it all and ask that you keep us in your prayers because I have no idea what the next few weeks will bring for us and most importantly for little sweet Jack.

always in denial...w

So about every 6 months I question is gluten really is SUCH a big deal in our life. I mean, if gluten wasn't a problem then my life would INSTANTLY be easier...we are talking McDonalds dollar menu possibilities here. ;) No Celiac Disease Foundation Awareness hard work with little reward. No crazy expensive diet. Not needing to cook EVERY SINGLE MEAL. Because of the way we figured out Jacks problem, we have never been able to get an official diagnose. Would I love to have it? YES! But after this weekend, not only was I reminded that gluten will probably be forever an issues here at our house, but that there is no way I could make him eat three full servings a day for any amount of time in order to get him tested. The Lord stepped right in and reminded me how important my crazy diligence is for Jack, regardless of what those around me think.....

So Friday my little guy poured himself a bowl of GF brand cheerios, some almond mile and fresh cut strawberries. He was pretty excited about it  until my daughter came in screaming.

 ( Because she GAVE herself wheat on Monday- stinker! When she eats wheat she gets crazy emotional, its best to not even look at her or your head might get ripped off and kicked across the room)

ANYWAY, So she is SCREAMING  that Jacksons cheerios smell like " regular cheerios" . You have to understand, she had been mean and screaming since Monday, that's almost 5 days of headaches from her yelling, so I was over it by Friday. I promptly told her to "knock it off, your brother wouldn't eat regular cheerios, he doesn't want to be sick, leave him alone and stop yelling at every one". She walked over to the counter and held up the clear plastic bag quick enough for me to realize that some one had pulled out the regular cheerios and left them on what is supposed to be our gluten free counter and my little guy had accidentally eaten the wrong cereal.

Two bites. That's all it took. Two bites. Within 20 minutes he was running to the bathroom. After a day of fun runs, day 2 brought on the emotions. So lucky me gets screaming older sister and crying little brother- PERFECT combo of fun! LOL Day 3 brought on pain and soreness through his body on top of emotions. Day 4 he felt sick all over again, had dark circles under his eyes and missed yet another day of school. After sleeping a lot on day 4 he was ready to return to life on day 5 with only lingering emotional issues.

So yeah, this whole Gluten thing is here to stay....while I may always be in denial that this is life long, I will never stop fighting for answers and a better world for my little guy. I just wish the reminder was not so painful for child and mother alike.

Please Excuse Me While I Find My Way.....

Ever feel like your stuck in a nasty dark place? A swamp or dark hole. I do...often. It seems like I take a never ending journey back and forth back and forth between this dark place where I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror and this beautiful place where I understand who I am and where I am going and love my life. You might think I am a bit dramatic But to my credit, ( or so I tell myself) you might  be surprised to find  that I am not only aware of my drama side, I am working to make it into a good attribute instead of the negative one it often becomes. In my head the stages I go through look something like this:

It funny how it works, I usually don't know I am going for a walk out into the dark swamp until I am stuck in it. Then I find my self desperately trying to pull myself out of the muck I got into. I find myself full of frustration and anger. I struggle to forgive others and to let go of trials in time to move on. I find myself making constant sarcastic jokes on others behalf ( I know, full disclosure of my sins stinks! it's sad and pathetic) on top of that, there just never seems to be enough time in my day. My poor family gets to be the recipients of my poor state and I spend little to no time, doing the things I want to or should do with them.

The funny thing is, I don't need a map to find my way out anymore, I have been here too many times. I starting reading books that help me remember the kind of person I want to be, pray, read my scriptures and pay close attention to the undercurrent of thoughts happening in my head. The well know, hard fought journey is short... usually.

There is the just one problem...As I am finding my way back to the "fields of contentment" ( name the movie that I got that from!) happiness, peace, love, and family...well, that's just the part that gets confusing to me. I find my self not knowing what to say to people. I can't rely on my sarcasm or my self depreciating comments to hold up my conversations. I feel like I am tip toeing around every thing I do trying to hard to do the right things and not be selfish ...and to top it off, I am battling not being mad at others when they don't seem to want to take a similar journey! Those stinkers!! ( oh crap I just took a few steps back toward the swamp hole..... All this just so that I can make it to the field again even if just for a week or two....

This may seem negative but I don't mean it to really. I find myself in the field almost as often as I find my self in the swamp. It's the darn woods that give me the problem and that is what I wanted to address today. That awkward journey back and forth and trying to figure out who the real me is in the moment. I believe that the real me, even if its only the future me, belongs in the beautiful field. In fact I believe that ALL of God's children belong in the field, but sometimes when we are stuck in the swamp or trying to get through the woods it gets confusing and disheartening.

The whole reason I have once again opened the window into my weird brain, is to ask for your patience. When I am in the swamp or woods....which again, happens often.... Please remember me in the field and know I must just not be in the proper place. I hope you know this in return, I will work hard to remember you as you are in the fields too....unless I am in the swamp-  then I might be a little slow to remember and for that I apologize in advance.