Yesterday, as I was in church I had a " moment". No big light bulbs, but maybe 1 or 2 ( literally) tears. I found my self reflecting on specific moments that the Lord has reached down into my little life just to say " I love you". I can't say that I am always good at showing the love back. I struggle with pride and consistentcey in my scripture reading, praying, controlled thoughts, you name it I can't seem to keep it going on an every day basis. I have the desire to make promises that I can never keep and I fall into my natural man state over and over and over...If the roles were reversed, I would be frustrated and disappointed at the level of potential being met by the earthly version of me.
So as I pondered a couple of beautiful and undeniable ways the Lord had shown his love for me I felt unworthy and grateful for his love that never seems deplete and has patience beyond my understanding. I want to share two of them with you, if any one is even reading. I want it to stand as a testimony that I DO KNOW the Lord loves me. Me, Brigette Heller, little nobody in a big, big world, he cares about me enough to make sure I know it and can not deny it.
1- About five years ago I was called to be the organist for our congregation ( ward). I played the music and felt humiliated by my lack of timing each week for almost a year. Each time I thought I was improving and thought I should pat myself on the back...well lets just say these weeks of confidence were usually the most disastrous I learned to have total humility in my calling and lean on the lord for every note. It was on one of these most disastrous and embarrassing weeks that we had a ward conference. This meant there were leaders from our church there and lots of extra people. Yay for me, I killed the song again. During the Sacrament I prayed with all my heart that I would come to understand the sacrament. I knew I was not using the power of the sacrament in my life. I knew I needed the Lord more fully in my life, but I could clearly see I didn't understand how to use this precious tool given to me by the Lord. There for I was limited in my ability to reach the Lord the way I knew I needed too. After the water and bread were passed and every one returned to their seats the Stake President stood up, pushed his talk notes to the side and said " I feel a strong impression that I need to talk to you about the Sacrament today." I was shocked. I didn't learn anything about the Sacrament, I was too thrown off but the way the Lord had just reached down into my life to give me the very exact thing I had begged for. I felt so loved and knew I was important to my Heavenly Father. I will never forget sitting on that stand and understanding that the Lord hears my prayers completely and knows the desires of my heart and he loves me enough to give me those things I need to return to him.
2- We moved here almost to years ago. Shortly after, our oldest child was baptized. What would have been a huge celebration and had a huge crowd to attend this event, was a small and simple celebration with only family. We of course were so happy about her choice to be baptized that the crowd wasn't THAT important, but it was hard to not have her many friends to share her special day with. The 1st councilor in our bishopbrick came to conduct to meeting. We didn't even know him or his name at the time. I played the piano because we knew nobody else to. In all the excitement of the day I left my primary book at the church. This was not just a book, it was one Mike had given to me when I got my first calling as a married couple to play in primary. It had a note from him and scribbles from Livy when she was a baby. It was beat up and worn down and I adored it. I went back to the church many times looking for it but with no success. It was lost.
The day we moved My friends son was baptized. She asked me to play the piano for them. It was crazy. I had every thing from dealing with girl issues, to finding chocolate all over my dress, no shoes, no makeup, almost running out of gas a dog who was freaking out thinking we had moved and left her...not to mention the whole moving factor and some issues we were handling in our extended family. All this lead to a very, very, very stressful week/day. Yet as I played, I felt the sweet spirit that only a baptisim can bring fill my soul.THEN, in walked the 1st councilor who had conducted Livys baptism! As I played I reflected on the many blessing the Lord had given us while we attended this ward. I thought of the many friends we had been blessed with. The 1st councilor mentioned as he conducted how thankful he was to have us in the ward and how sad it was we were leaving- he even got a tiny bit emotional. I felt so very loved to end our time in that place the same was we started it. The spirit was so very strong! In my selfish way of thinking I thought, " the only thing that would make this more perfect would be to find my song book". I knew it was selfish, but I thought it. I looked up and noticed a book on top of the piano, I pulled it down and.....yes.....it was my book. How my book made it to that exact spot two years later- on the very last day I would ever be in the building-is only something the Lord could answer. But, I knew that even in a selfish moment, the Lord not only knows me, but loves me very very much. Enough to make events work out to show me in a tangible way I could see with my eyes and hold with my hands. He blessed me with this knowledge at a time that I desperately needed it! I needed it so badly that day, it was was gave me the strength to go home and keep my head up high and do the things my children needed of me in that time.
So, yesterday I thought of these moments and I could feel the love of the Lord again in my heart. I felt so ungrateful I felt like a child feels when they know their parents are disappointed, not mad, disappointed I know the Lord loves me and how am I showing that love in return?? If you are reading this, then you already know this is one way I show my love to the Lord. I tell people. When you love some one and they love you back, that not a well kept secret, or something you just forget to mention. You talk about, often, it effects everything you do because you are considering the person you love in your life and how your actions effect them. I have lived a life full of Love from the Lord, I want to give back. I know it will never be enough, but I have got to give him what I have, and thankfully He knows me so well that he will know when I have given that too.
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