Yesterday seemed big in so many ways- things learned and realizations made, new paths starting....but the sweetest moment of the day was when our family of five gathered around our little table and Joey prayed.
Olivia helped him..she started "DEAR" he said "dear", She said "HEAVENLY" he said "Heavenly Father" . It was such an amazing moment to see how big he is getting and to realize he already has been listening and learning the proper way to adress his father in heaven. During these times I know that not to long from now, I will so miss these simple tender moments as the years continue to fly by...
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
a new smell is in the air...
This weekend while I was visiting a good friend, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of cleanliness and peace in her home, it didn't take long for me to realize a big part of the feeling was the amazing smells she had through out her home...it was the smells of Scentsy.
The warmers were all so beautiful and the bathroom plug- ins were so cute, by the end of the weekend I knew after many years taking a break from sales of any kind, I wanted to share this amazing product with any one who would be interested and by doing so could help my little family financially.
SO, I signed up to be a Scentsy consultant. I already have a warmer in my T.V room and one in my bathroom, I can't wait to get started and share all these amazing smells with those I know! if you want to check out my web site it is:
below is the picture of the warmer I can't wait to get and these buddies, which are SO SO cute I have seen them in person and you put a scent packet in them and they are so sweet and comforting I can't wait to get one for joey!
The warmers were all so beautiful and the bathroom plug- ins were so cute, by the end of the weekend I knew after many years taking a break from sales of any kind, I wanted to share this amazing product with any one who would be interested and by doing so could help my little family financially.
SO, I signed up to be a Scentsy consultant. I already have a warmer in my T.V room and one in my bathroom, I can't wait to get started and share all these amazing smells with those I know! if you want to check out my web site it is:
below is the picture of the warmer I can't wait to get and these buddies, which are SO SO cute I have seen them in person and you put a scent packet in them and they are so sweet and comforting I can't wait to get one for joey!
Monday, September 27, 2010
clock is ticking
the clock is ticking and its getting later and later in the night, yet, I find my self here, in my kitchen with a list of tings to do longer then my table and my hours filled to the brim tomorrow, all good things, all still busy.
I remember reading a church book once where the writer talked about how hard it was to pull her self away from her written schedule and lists of things to do one morning, she just needed some time to talk with her husband but the list and schedule before her were all consuming....in a light bulb type moment, she was able to see past the list and realize her husband needed her.
At the time I read the book I couldn't imagine what kind of mom could be so extremely busy that she was so obsessed over a list of to do's and a schedule of how to do her "to do's", now I get it. My mind is racing but my body wants rest, I am losing my voice and my head feels separated from my body ( you know like when you are pregnant and nothing seems to quite connect like it should?) its like my body is shouting TAKE A BREAK DUMB BELL! I am not complaining, really I am not. every thing I do, I enjoy and all of it is for my family, church and friends. I just keep trying to figure out how to be super woman....it must be possible or thats what I tell myself, it must be possible to do every thing I need to, but how?
so here I am late on a Monday night, with the clock ticking, a messy house, a trip to pack for since we are leaving at 5 a.m on Wednesday, and every hour already spoken for tomorrow. do I stay up late and just get it done, knowing I wont get to bed until a ridiculous hour and be even more tired tomorrow? do I try to sleep with my brain swimming and hope it works out? did I mention we got a new car today? yeah we did, it feels awesome! of course not at all as an after thought are the people I love who are going through hard things. how can I help them? how do I let them know I love them? they need to know! what to do?? yet stressing about situations helps no one....hmmm....thats it, all I got..
I remember reading a church book once where the writer talked about how hard it was to pull her self away from her written schedule and lists of things to do one morning, she just needed some time to talk with her husband but the list and schedule before her were all consuming....in a light bulb type moment, she was able to see past the list and realize her husband needed her.
At the time I read the book I couldn't imagine what kind of mom could be so extremely busy that she was so obsessed over a list of to do's and a schedule of how to do her "to do's", now I get it. My mind is racing but my body wants rest, I am losing my voice and my head feels separated from my body ( you know like when you are pregnant and nothing seems to quite connect like it should?) its like my body is shouting TAKE A BREAK DUMB BELL! I am not complaining, really I am not. every thing I do, I enjoy and all of it is for my family, church and friends. I just keep trying to figure out how to be super woman....it must be possible or thats what I tell myself, it must be possible to do every thing I need to, but how?
so here I am late on a Monday night, with the clock ticking, a messy house, a trip to pack for since we are leaving at 5 a.m on Wednesday, and every hour already spoken for tomorrow. do I stay up late and just get it done, knowing I wont get to bed until a ridiculous hour and be even more tired tomorrow? do I try to sleep with my brain swimming and hope it works out? did I mention we got a new car today? yeah we did, it feels awesome! of course not at all as an after thought are the people I love who are going through hard things. how can I help them? how do I let them know I love them? they need to know! what to do?? yet stressing about situations helps no one....hmmm....thats it, all I got..
Sunday, September 26, 2010
B-I-G week end
this weekend was crazy, I ran hard and fast every hour I could. BUT I think in the end it all worked out! I thought a few pictures of my adventures might be good.....the cup cakes are from the PTA dessert spread Elizabeth and I did, those cup cakes were some of my favorite, white chocolate with white chocolate chips and a hint of orange.....YUM!
the Band was AWESOME at the "B-I-G" party, my mother in law said she could hear it at her house and that her and the kids were dancing in their front yard...they live four blocks away!
soccer was intense and awesome! The general R.S meeting was AMAZING! and none of it could have happened with out great friends who not only participated in it all but spent the day here friday cleaning my house. LACEY, TIFFANY AND ELIZABETH, and the R.S Hillcrest ward presidency got me through this week with only a few minor melt downs...no tears. WHEW! glad its done....I tired to enjoy the ride, the crazy thing is that even with all these pictures I dont have pictures of the cupcakes all rolling off the board on the ride over to the school or the pumkin bars that gots smahed, the primary activity, the birthday party we went to....and belivie it or not tons of other things that we did this week. I am so ready for our trip to see great friends and family in utah!!!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
too tired.
today I just feel tired, but life is marching full speed ahead, I know if I don't jump in line things will get messy fast, so any one have any ideas for how to get a pick me up with the energy level? cause I need some...
Monday, September 20, 2010
If you drive by my house on any given day.....
If you drive by my house on any given day you will probably find my children destroying my garage...in the name of inventing. Of course for over two years now the obsession has been with building a plane to fly to far off destinations. recently it has turned into a hobby for any reason, just the reason of inventing, is a good excuse to dig through our house and our neighbors house, the two garages and cars to find any random object that could add to the invention.
you can't tell in this picture but the girls planned for everything on their plane trip. coats for cold Alaska, swimsuits for the beach, cameras for Disney land, scriptures for the Utah potion of the trip, crayons for the long haul over to Washington D.C to see aunt Becky and then home they would come. They had me light the back of their invention with a sparkler.....they were all so angry when it didn't work, I think olivia cried. So time after time I find things like this out side, I am so glad they can use their brains to get creative and have fun....to dream...just don't open the garage....its straight up embarrassing after day in and day out of inventing!
Monday, September 13, 2010
that my days may be lengthened....
Anyone who knows me, knows that I like to be busy, some might say insanely busy, but I am learning this is how I function most efficiently AND when I am busy, I am happier too! This last year however, has seemed to take my busy schedule to a whole new level. A good example would be today:
I got up early, cleaned my TRASHED front half of the house, got kids up, packed lunched, managed and hour long melt down with a positive attitude ( a miracle I am still feeling good about) off to school, out for an hour walk, home again to finish cleaning, worlds quickest shower- I EVEN washed my hair) and was dressed in less then ten minutes so I could have my training meeting for Relief society stuff and here I am an hour later with 45 minutes to bust out a bunch of laundry, mop a floor and run to get jack from school. But the point is... I have been able to do every thing I needed to do on time and with a good mind set and its not even noon yet.
But one problem has been in the front of my mind, and the thoughts go some thing like this:
" I am busy, that's o.k, no more complaining.... time to embrace it...but are the most important things getting attention??? reading to the kids, playing a good board game, walks to the park.....the memory building things that bring us close together....am I so busy I forget to pray or enjoy the wonderful life I have??? is the schedule running me........or am I running it??And Mike... poor mike... am I being the wife he really deserves??"
I know a few wonder women in my life, these are people I know well enough to know that its not just smoke and mirrors, they just are beyond amazing. I have often wondered how they stayed busy ( like I am becoming) and yet made the most important things get done....and then I figured out a secret they had not shared with me!! AHHH HAHAHAHA. ( my evil laugh)
in Helaman 7; 24 it says:
.....there fore the Lord will be merciful unto them: yea he will lengthen out their days...
It occurred to me that in my most " with it" times, when I am working hard to do all I can- the right way before God, That I have been able to "magically" get every thing done even when it seemed impossible to do so. This very thing I knew could happen, but seemed more like a random moment in my life experience then the normal every day occurence. this concept of leangthening days is talked about a few times in the scriptures, the concept is not new and the Lord blesses those who are doing his work with this blessing when needed. This is the secret those wonder woman may or may not understand they have going for them...
So my prayers are not for a longer day, I realize my days are not going to have extra hours or minutes on the clock, but maybe the Lords way of "lengthening your days" is helping you to focus, or get through when you need to with a little extra speed, so that the very most important things in life can be done. Maybe Its the fact that a call which normally takes 15 minutes takes 2 or that you can seem to get a good shower and dressed in less then ten minutes instead of the normal 25.
I believe with all my heart if I continue to seek him and do his work, keeping my priorities with my family and home, that i will be able to be blessed with the amount of time I need to get all things done and in order not leaving out the best parts of life but enjoying them to their fullest!
so when I sat down for training this morning and the sweet sister across from me prayed "that my days might be lengthened" I almost fell off the couch, how funny she knew exactly where I was and what I needed. Got to love being a member of the Lords church! =)
I got up early, cleaned my TRASHED front half of the house, got kids up, packed lunched, managed and hour long melt down with a positive attitude ( a miracle I am still feeling good about) off to school, out for an hour walk, home again to finish cleaning, worlds quickest shower- I EVEN washed my hair) and was dressed in less then ten minutes so I could have my training meeting for Relief society stuff and here I am an hour later with 45 minutes to bust out a bunch of laundry, mop a floor and run to get jack from school. But the point is... I have been able to do every thing I needed to do on time and with a good mind set and its not even noon yet.
But one problem has been in the front of my mind, and the thoughts go some thing like this:
" I am busy, that's o.k, no more complaining.... time to embrace it...but are the most important things getting attention??? reading to the kids, playing a good board game, walks to the park.....the memory building things that bring us close together....am I so busy I forget to pray or enjoy the wonderful life I have??? is the schedule running me........or am I running it??And Mike... poor mike... am I being the wife he really deserves??"
I know a few wonder women in my life, these are people I know well enough to know that its not just smoke and mirrors, they just are beyond amazing. I have often wondered how they stayed busy ( like I am becoming) and yet made the most important things get done....and then I figured out a secret they had not shared with me!! AHHH HAHAHAHA. ( my evil laugh)
in Helaman 7; 24 it says:
.....there fore the Lord will be merciful unto them: yea he will lengthen out their days...
It occurred to me that in my most " with it" times, when I am working hard to do all I can- the right way before God, That I have been able to "magically" get every thing done even when it seemed impossible to do so. This very thing I knew could happen, but seemed more like a random moment in my life experience then the normal every day occurence. this concept of leangthening days is talked about a few times in the scriptures, the concept is not new and the Lord blesses those who are doing his work with this blessing when needed. This is the secret those wonder woman may or may not understand they have going for them...
So my prayers are not for a longer day, I realize my days are not going to have extra hours or minutes on the clock, but maybe the Lords way of "lengthening your days" is helping you to focus, or get through when you need to with a little extra speed, so that the very most important things in life can be done. Maybe Its the fact that a call which normally takes 15 minutes takes 2 or that you can seem to get a good shower and dressed in less then ten minutes instead of the normal 25.
I believe with all my heart if I continue to seek him and do his work, keeping my priorities with my family and home, that i will be able to be blessed with the amount of time I need to get all things done and in order not leaving out the best parts of life but enjoying them to their fullest!
so when I sat down for training this morning and the sweet sister across from me prayed "that my days might be lengthened" I almost fell off the couch, how funny she knew exactly where I was and what I needed. Got to love being a member of the Lords church! =)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
its a sick party
on tuesday night there was peace and calm in the Heller home.....until 2 a.m, at which point mike started throwing up....an hour later joey did, and hour after that jack did...and by 4 a.m we were in the t.v room watching cartoons while I cleaned up mess after mess. soon I discovered that Olivia had been throwing up all night ALL over the house! Instead of getting me or attempting to clean it, she just picked her sick self up and found a new spot to sleep. great.
The craziest thing was when I posted it on face book ( becuase the world does NEEDED to know the hellers are sick! LOL) I had over 5 families which we hung out with this weekend had come down with the SAME junk the SAME night!! which is so sad, but in my little mind, a bit of a relief since originally I thought maybe I had cooked something weird and given my family food poisioning! since we got so sick, so close to the same time as each other.
I didn't feel awesome ethier but I was trying hard to keep up, until lunch time. It hit me and hit me hard. at one point I couldn't even walk from our hall bathroom to joeys bed where I was trying to escape the rest of the house by sleeping in a random place, it worked until I found joey throwup in the bed...
Thank heavens for mother in laws! mike called and she came to the rescue, bringing gatorade, popsicles and a dinner fit for a yucky tummy! it was a very rough day, but with out her it would have been so much harder!
around 8 P.m we were all feeling better but not all the way, and we were all asleep for the night. today is better, but we are exhausted. so the kids are staying home, I will be disinfecting EVERYTHING and working on the gross mountian of laundry. so glad we got over it all at once, even if it was one of the hardest days the hellers have been through in a while....
The craziest thing was when I posted it on face book ( becuase the world does NEEDED to know the hellers are sick! LOL) I had over 5 families which we hung out with this weekend had come down with the SAME junk the SAME night!! which is so sad, but in my little mind, a bit of a relief since originally I thought maybe I had cooked something weird and given my family food poisioning! since we got so sick, so close to the same time as each other.
I didn't feel awesome ethier but I was trying hard to keep up, until lunch time. It hit me and hit me hard. at one point I couldn't even walk from our hall bathroom to joeys bed where I was trying to escape the rest of the house by sleeping in a random place, it worked until I found joey throwup in the bed...
Thank heavens for mother in laws! mike called and she came to the rescue, bringing gatorade, popsicles and a dinner fit for a yucky tummy! it was a very rough day, but with out her it would have been so much harder!
around 8 P.m we were all feeling better but not all the way, and we were all asleep for the night. today is better, but we are exhausted. so the kids are staying home, I will be disinfecting EVERYTHING and working on the gross mountian of laundry. so glad we got over it all at once, even if it was one of the hardest days the hellers have been through in a while....
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
the longest b-day ever...
SOME body in my family really knows how to stretch a good thing for every last inch of goodness, SOMEBODY in my family had not just 1...2....3.....but FOUR parties in her honor, at least one of which- she turned a movie night into her "birthday party" with out letting her parents know, and called and invited people, luckily we caught it after two calls.....SOMEBODY in my family is the sweetest and most helpful girl around, we call her " little mommy and she just turned 7!
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the first one was at moms house two Sundays ago, second was the movie night-turned party- then her ACTUAL birthday on Sunday and now today with the class celebration..I added a couple extra of the Friday event because the cake turned out so good, I couldn't resist! she wanted a "doughnut" birthday...so today I took her class doughnuts and for her cake I made a HUGE doughnut...flavor you ask? she wanted "confetti cake (which I turned into a white chocolate cake) and then cream cheese frosting with smashed oreos"
Sunday, September 5, 2010
2nd counselor
Well, this week has been fairly interesting for me. It all started on mikes B-day when we got called in for a bishops interview, I was released and then the bishop talked about taking "periods of rest" for a while, it occurred to me that he may not be extending another calling to me at this moment, in the few seconds of realization I had panic sweep over me. I love to be involved in the church I love to be busily serving the Lord. At the beginning of our interview he asked me how I felt about my calling and one of the things I said was that I felt like I didn't get to serve enough! SO back to the panic stricken moment...
it didn't last very long becuase then surprisingly, I was called as second counselor to the Relief Society presidency. I am thinking I will get my opportunity to serve more! LOL. as I am sure you can imagine this week has brought so many different emotions, I actually had myself convinced that when I got to church today the bishop would pull me aside and tell me they were putting some one else in as the second counselor. I am not at all doubting the others called as president and 1st counselor, just my own issues to contend with. I have wondered things like: how can I even do this job right? I mean seriously Had my heavenly father looked deep into my soul lately...cause I am feeling like he conveniently skipped over some major flaws....I can think of some many others who would just shine in this calling....( and as I re-read this it occurs to me that the Lord usually calls the person with many flaws.....)
I thought I was being a bit dramatic but as I watched all the emotions of the others involved in this process I realized I was normal and O.k to feel overwhelmed, unsure of what to do, and anxious to get everything done the way the Lord wants it done and not mess it all up! I am so grateful I am not the new president, WOW she has got so much to figure out, That's why Heavenly Father calls REALLY AMAZING people to that particular calling. Once I worked this all out a few hundred times in my head I feel a tiny bit better about it all....
So here I am, its official, I get to do more for the Lord...Lets get started.
it didn't last very long becuase then surprisingly, I was called as second counselor to the Relief Society presidency. I am thinking I will get my opportunity to serve more! LOL. as I am sure you can imagine this week has brought so many different emotions, I actually had myself convinced that when I got to church today the bishop would pull me aside and tell me they were putting some one else in as the second counselor. I am not at all doubting the others called as president and 1st counselor, just my own issues to contend with. I have wondered things like: how can I even do this job right? I mean seriously Had my heavenly father looked deep into my soul lately...cause I am feeling like he conveniently skipped over some major flaws....I can think of some many others who would just shine in this calling....( and as I re-read this it occurs to me that the Lord usually calls the person with many flaws.....)
I thought I was being a bit dramatic but as I watched all the emotions of the others involved in this process I realized I was normal and O.k to feel overwhelmed, unsure of what to do, and anxious to get everything done the way the Lord wants it done and not mess it all up! I am so grateful I am not the new president, WOW she has got so much to figure out, That's why Heavenly Father calls REALLY AMAZING people to that particular calling. Once I worked this all out a few hundred times in my head I feel a tiny bit better about it all....
So here I am, its official, I get to do more for the Lord...Lets get started.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
you probably noticed...
You probably noticed that since the whole audition stunt I have been absent from the Internet world...and the social world really, and the whole world. Not that I was devastated by what happened just that so many things have been happening for so long, and that specific event seemed to be an end to a segment of our life somehow...I don't quite know how to explain, but I shut my self down for a bit and tried to recharge,only the recharge didn't come. So what I have discovered in the last 48 hours was that I was not meant to recharge and push forward. the lesson I am learning now is one of change.
Its time to change, get deeper roots, enjoy the most important things a bit more and put a tiny distance from the things that are not eternal, I am not saying let go, just a little space. If you are hugging on too tightly to friends, schedules, events, you miss the best parts of life, the most important ones.
This point was clearly illustrated when I rocked my sweet Joseph to sleep today, even though he is almost two and a little big for such things, he let me hold him and enjoy the feeling of loving him unconditionally and looking into his eyes and learning about the person he is. He often reminds me why it so great to be a mom. Then I ran to pick up jackson, tired, un-showered and stressed about the ' schedule" again. one look at his grin from ear to ear coupled with the fact that even as a big school boy he still lets me fling my arms around him and give him a HUGE kiss on the cheek in front of his friends remind me of what I Love about life. Putting a little distance from things has helped me focus on what is actually in front of me and not the things all around it.
so, some things I love....I love looking into the eyes of the people that surround me and getting a glimpse of how their Heavenly Father views them,you enjoy every one around you so much more when you look deep into their eyes and see the person they really are. I love the Bright colors of the flowers every where we go, the sunset on a long drive and the shananigins of the gold fish in our front yard pond. I love the feelings of peace and accomplishment as I listen to good music and clean my home, which in doing, I am creating a retreat for myself and those I love. I especially love to hear my children singing in the other room, or my husband! =)
I feel changed, some how wiser- if that's possible- LOL, sometimes I wonder.... and aged. I feel goofy for admitting my thoughts and emotions but More then at any time in my life thus far, I realize that life has a purpose, to love those around you with all you have, to emerse your self in the gospel and learn the love of the Lord and to enjoy all he has given you and of course share all that goodness with every one you meet!. so, I am still exaughsted and abit frazzled, but then again maybe that's just me. Which for the most part, I am o.k with!
Its time to change, get deeper roots, enjoy the most important things a bit more and put a tiny distance from the things that are not eternal, I am not saying let go, just a little space. If you are hugging on too tightly to friends, schedules, events, you miss the best parts of life, the most important ones.
This point was clearly illustrated when I rocked my sweet Joseph to sleep today, even though he is almost two and a little big for such things, he let me hold him and enjoy the feeling of loving him unconditionally and looking into his eyes and learning about the person he is. He often reminds me why it so great to be a mom. Then I ran to pick up jackson, tired, un-showered and stressed about the ' schedule" again. one look at his grin from ear to ear coupled with the fact that even as a big school boy he still lets me fling my arms around him and give him a HUGE kiss on the cheek in front of his friends remind me of what I Love about life. Putting a little distance from things has helped me focus on what is actually in front of me and not the things all around it.
so, some things I love....I love looking into the eyes of the people that surround me and getting a glimpse of how their Heavenly Father views them,you enjoy every one around you so much more when you look deep into their eyes and see the person they really are. I love the Bright colors of the flowers every where we go, the sunset on a long drive and the shananigins of the gold fish in our front yard pond. I love the feelings of peace and accomplishment as I listen to good music and clean my home, which in doing, I am creating a retreat for myself and those I love. I especially love to hear my children singing in the other room, or my husband! =)
I feel changed, some how wiser- if that's possible- LOL, sometimes I wonder.... and aged. I feel goofy for admitting my thoughts and emotions but More then at any time in my life thus far, I realize that life has a purpose, to love those around you with all you have, to emerse your self in the gospel and learn the love of the Lord and to enjoy all he has given you and of course share all that goodness with every one you meet!. so, I am still exaughsted and abit frazzled, but then again maybe that's just me. Which for the most part, I am o.k with!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
auditions
Well I have not know what the heck to write for several days now. this whole thing has been so much more emotional then I ever anticipated, so what to write? We went up Tuesday to get our wrist bands, right after I picked up the kids from their first day of school. About twenty minutes from the park the car started making crazy noises and we didn't even know if we would make it home! we ended up driving around San Francisco searching for a mechanic, of course there were not too many open after 5:30, so we were able to get a guy as he was closing the doors to at least diagnose it and tell us we probably wouldn't make it home. so we got our wrist band and decided we should eat, except on our way to the pizza place up the street a cop stopped us and told us it was dangerous where we were and we should get to our car immediately and get out of there....so with a couple of prayers, driving super slow, stopping a lot and a few adventures along the way we finally made it home at 11;30.
On wednesday I was tired and anxious for the next day, my sweet friend called to tell me she has some things come up and she could no longer go with me to auditions. I spent most of the day a emotional wreck trying to get the courage to go all alone. Of course my hero came to the rescue and mike called me at 7 p.m to let me know he had talked to his boss and he would be coming along with me!
thursday we woke up at 4:30 a.m. already exhausted from all the emotional hoopla and a few weeks of sleep less nights ( which don't seem to be going away any time soon) we hopped in the car and headed to San Fran. We got there around 7:30 we ended up in "section 4" of the line. we were told and estimated 10,000 people came to the auditions! we got into the stadium right after 8, there were camera every where and the crowd was all jazzed up, bo bice came and sang we will rock you, it was a fun atmosphere! not TOO many crazies, not as many as you might think. a lot of singing in the corner and glee groups braking out in happy singing. the bathrooms were crazy with singers and make up touch ups. Of course we thought it would be cold, its san fran on the ocean!! its always cold....except on Thursday! it was HOT HOT HOT. mikes face got fried! we really just hung out and waited until 5:15 when our sections got called down. They lined us up in rows of 4 and sent us to wait in lines by a tent. when it was our rows turn I got about 10 seconds, they never cut me off they let me Finnish what I had prepared. but our whole line was cut. the two girls next to me where confident and amazing singers, but they got cut to, in fact the one girls tried begging, saying she had been to all 6 audition locations and not made it!! as soon as you are cut, they cut off your wrist band and you walk directly out the stadium.
honestly the actual moment was such a blur, I know I was on pitch, but not that loud, and i know I knew when she called us all forward it was a no..which is what she said " its a no".
So then the emotions came, totally unexpected. I thought I would feel so proud of my self but honestly I just felt tired and emotional. I still cant seem to work through it all in my head. I think I am glad I did it. I think if they came back next year I might try just for the heck of it. but I can't seem to figure out what to do with my self, which is strange since I always have so much going on...and obviously I have an amazing life. The pinnacle of the emotions was when I got home and the kids had made a sign. they just couldn't understand why their mom didn't make it. So yeah. there you go. I wish I had something amazing and strong to say...but I just dont. maybe tomorrow... I will post the pictures tomorrow to for those of you who haven't seen them on face book.
On wednesday I was tired and anxious for the next day, my sweet friend called to tell me she has some things come up and she could no longer go with me to auditions. I spent most of the day a emotional wreck trying to get the courage to go all alone. Of course my hero came to the rescue and mike called me at 7 p.m to let me know he had talked to his boss and he would be coming along with me!
thursday we woke up at 4:30 a.m. already exhausted from all the emotional hoopla and a few weeks of sleep less nights ( which don't seem to be going away any time soon) we hopped in the car and headed to San Fran. We got there around 7:30 we ended up in "section 4" of the line. we were told and estimated 10,000 people came to the auditions! we got into the stadium right after 8, there were camera every where and the crowd was all jazzed up, bo bice came and sang we will rock you, it was a fun atmosphere! not TOO many crazies, not as many as you might think. a lot of singing in the corner and glee groups braking out in happy singing. the bathrooms were crazy with singers and make up touch ups. Of course we thought it would be cold, its san fran on the ocean!! its always cold....except on Thursday! it was HOT HOT HOT. mikes face got fried! we really just hung out and waited until 5:15 when our sections got called down. They lined us up in rows of 4 and sent us to wait in lines by a tent. when it was our rows turn I got about 10 seconds, they never cut me off they let me Finnish what I had prepared. but our whole line was cut. the two girls next to me where confident and amazing singers, but they got cut to, in fact the one girls tried begging, saying she had been to all 6 audition locations and not made it!! as soon as you are cut, they cut off your wrist band and you walk directly out the stadium.
honestly the actual moment was such a blur, I know I was on pitch, but not that loud, and i know I knew when she called us all forward it was a no..which is what she said " its a no".
So then the emotions came, totally unexpected. I thought I would feel so proud of my self but honestly I just felt tired and emotional. I still cant seem to work through it all in my head. I think I am glad I did it. I think if they came back next year I might try just for the heck of it. but I can't seem to figure out what to do with my self, which is strange since I always have so much going on...and obviously I have an amazing life. The pinnacle of the emotions was when I got home and the kids had made a sign. they just couldn't understand why their mom didn't make it. So yeah. there you go. I wish I had something amazing and strong to say...but I just dont. maybe tomorrow... I will post the pictures tomorrow to for those of you who haven't seen them on face book.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
first day of school!!
waiting in line fore class to start!
Hes tryin to figure out whats going on, he thinks something cool MIGHT be happening!
the back pack!
LETS GO MOM!!
Yes, these are her crazy shoes, she loves them and you should see them when they light up!
OH isn't he handsome?? melts any gals heart....
today was the kids first day of school! Jack was excited! olivia was so excited...until we got to the door of her class. =( but over all, if feels great to know that my children are in a safe place with fabulous teachers and good friends! so today is the start of all craziness...here we go!!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I figured it OUT!!!
This last few weeks have been such a journey for me, I have never felt so small and weak in my life then when I have looked inward and under a microscope at my very own flaws, the ones I usually pretend aren't there, the ones that have come from years and years of uncontrolled negative thoughts ( about my self). So with the emotions in check--- can I just say its taken A LOT to get them " in check" thanks goes out to jill for Hours of talking with me!!!--- I have moved forward, grateful that I have had the chance to look harder at my self, my flaws and my MANY MANY blessings. One of which is my voice.
Whether you like it or not, whether I am confident with it or not, The simple fact is that the Lord gave me a voice, that is usually in tune and which I have used through out my whole life to share my feelings with those about me, mostly my feelings about God and our divine natures. I have loved music since before I could talk, my mom said I sang in my sleep as a baby, and that has never gone away as I have grown older. People around have always seemed to understand and appreciate this gift.
So last night we had the opportunity to go to an activity for our church, there was swimming and food and then some of the guys got up with electric guitars, drums and all that goes with it and put on a show, they were awesome!! The kids couldn't refrain from jumping up and dancing all around the room, all the kids- except one, My sweet little Olivia. She wanted to join, her friend molly tried with all her might to get Olivia to join, but Olivia just couldn't let her self do it. she stood totally still, I could tell she was scared to even tap her foot because then it would give away the fact that she really wanted to dance and Molly might put up the fight again.
As I watched her, I realized I was watching me. This is how I often Live life and this is how I have approached singing. scared. scared to just let go, to embrace the music and just love it and enjoy it! Even when I do sing, its rigid, because I am scared. Now don't get me wrong, In my teenage years I thought pretty highly of my own talents, so there were a few moments when I forgot to be scared, those are the moments I keep trying to re-create. Because I never enjoy singing when I am scared, only when I let go and just go for it. Wonder if this has anything else to do with the rest of my life?? LOL
So in this moment last night I figured it out. I have to try out for this, I might not make it, maybe no one will like what I sing or how I sound or how I look, I but need Olivia to see, that I know how to go for it, even if it scares me so bad I want to run the other way and pretend I don't care any more. Lying to my self becuase of fear hurts me, and last night I realized it effects others around me too. Poor molly didn't enjoy her dancing as much ethier, not with out her friend beside her. What things have I been scared of that some one else was hurt becuase I didn't step up?
I want Olivia to see that she can be brave , no matter the out come.
I am her example in all things as her mom. So for Olivia, because I lack the strength on my own, I can fight on Thursday and work my best to Let it all go, sing my heart out and not care about the outcome, because letting go and enjoying the journey is really a huge part of why we are here. Like that song, : "if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you DANCE" ( I love that song) but for me It's " I hope you SING". and sing I will. Wish me luck because for once in my life I intend to put it all out there. not worrying about the outcome!
Whether you like it or not, whether I am confident with it or not, The simple fact is that the Lord gave me a voice, that is usually in tune and which I have used through out my whole life to share my feelings with those about me, mostly my feelings about God and our divine natures. I have loved music since before I could talk, my mom said I sang in my sleep as a baby, and that has never gone away as I have grown older. People around have always seemed to understand and appreciate this gift.
So last night we had the opportunity to go to an activity for our church, there was swimming and food and then some of the guys got up with electric guitars, drums and all that goes with it and put on a show, they were awesome!! The kids couldn't refrain from jumping up and dancing all around the room, all the kids- except one, My sweet little Olivia. She wanted to join, her friend molly tried with all her might to get Olivia to join, but Olivia just couldn't let her self do it. she stood totally still, I could tell she was scared to even tap her foot because then it would give away the fact that she really wanted to dance and Molly might put up the fight again.
As I watched her, I realized I was watching me. This is how I often Live life and this is how I have approached singing. scared. scared to just let go, to embrace the music and just love it and enjoy it! Even when I do sing, its rigid, because I am scared. Now don't get me wrong, In my teenage years I thought pretty highly of my own talents, so there were a few moments when I forgot to be scared, those are the moments I keep trying to re-create. Because I never enjoy singing when I am scared, only when I let go and just go for it. Wonder if this has anything else to do with the rest of my life?? LOL
So in this moment last night I figured it out. I have to try out for this, I might not make it, maybe no one will like what I sing or how I sound or how I look, I but need Olivia to see, that I know how to go for it, even if it scares me so bad I want to run the other way and pretend I don't care any more. Lying to my self becuase of fear hurts me, and last night I realized it effects others around me too. Poor molly didn't enjoy her dancing as much ethier, not with out her friend beside her. What things have I been scared of that some one else was hurt becuase I didn't step up?
I want Olivia to see that she can be brave , no matter the out come.
I am her example in all things as her mom. So for Olivia, because I lack the strength on my own, I can fight on Thursday and work my best to Let it all go, sing my heart out and not care about the outcome, because letting go and enjoying the journey is really a huge part of why we are here. Like that song, : "if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you DANCE" ( I love that song) but for me It's " I hope you SING". and sing I will. Wish me luck because for once in my life I intend to put it all out there. not worrying about the outcome!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
one heck of a morning.
This morning i decided we should have a better day then yesterday. yesterday was just " one of those days" for me personally. By four in the afternoon i had a good melt down and I was grateful for my- always amazing- neighbor, who helped me put things back in perspective and end on a higher note.....literally!
So this morning I woke up tired but pretty determined to be and do better today.....so we found the back yard just beyond torn up by the lovely dog, I mean it was bad, so the kids started to pick it up while I cleaned inside. Olivia and I had to go round and around because she lied to me and then threw a HUGE fit when I pointed it out and sent her to her room.Joey had two HUGE blow outs and jackson decided his word of the day is " NO!!"- by ten I was already tired and decided to "start fresh" get a long shower and regroup.
As soon as I got out of the shower Olivia came running in yelling " the sink in over flowing all over onto the floor. " Luckily it was the garage sink, not so lucky our garage happens to be a crazy mess of things because of the kids pulling it totally apart this last week and not putting any thing away, so about 5 loads of laundry and too many things to name are now being soaked by my laundry water.
Olivia and I jump into action with buckets, dumping the water in the back yard...she was wonderful, unfortunately the rest of my children decided this was their moment to truly shine! joey had another blow out which I didn't catch in the moment because of the over flowing sink...so he wandered the neighbor hood with a mess all down his legs, the dog escaped and was running free ( she is hard to catch) and Jackson continued his mantra of " NO"as I am shouting for help with various things. I had to laugh a bit. I mean if I were our neighbors I would look and the nasty garage- now open to the world, the sink with water freely flowing into the street, the frantic mom, poop down the legs baby, crazy dog on the loose and DS yelling NO 5 years old and wonder who the heck these people were.
we are still working on getting the mess cleaned up....but currently we have all taken a break. so as I am trying to once again regroup this morning and get the house which is now worse then before cleaned up, on a day when I need to be on top of things because my husband has huge things going on, and I have to wonder what I am supposed to be learning at this moment, because it seems like I have had day after day like this lately. you know I actually was singing to myself this song, in the craziness...just because I needed it.
" my life is a gift, my life has a plan,
my life has a purpose in heaven it began,
my choice was to come to this lovely home and earth,
and seek for God light to direct me from birth,
I will follow Gods plan for me,
holding fast to his word and his love,
I will work and i will pray,
I will always walk in his way,
and I will be happy on earth,
and in my home above."
i suppose that all I need to remember right?
s
So this morning I woke up tired but pretty determined to be and do better today.....so we found the back yard just beyond torn up by the lovely dog, I mean it was bad, so the kids started to pick it up while I cleaned inside. Olivia and I had to go round and around because she lied to me and then threw a HUGE fit when I pointed it out and sent her to her room.Joey had two HUGE blow outs and jackson decided his word of the day is " NO!!"- by ten I was already tired and decided to "start fresh" get a long shower and regroup.
As soon as I got out of the shower Olivia came running in yelling " the sink in over flowing all over onto the floor. " Luckily it was the garage sink, not so lucky our garage happens to be a crazy mess of things because of the kids pulling it totally apart this last week and not putting any thing away, so about 5 loads of laundry and too many things to name are now being soaked by my laundry water.
Olivia and I jump into action with buckets, dumping the water in the back yard...she was wonderful, unfortunately the rest of my children decided this was their moment to truly shine! joey had another blow out which I didn't catch in the moment because of the over flowing sink...so he wandered the neighbor hood with a mess all down his legs, the dog escaped and was running free ( she is hard to catch) and Jackson continued his mantra of " NO"as I am shouting for help with various things. I had to laugh a bit. I mean if I were our neighbors I would look and the nasty garage- now open to the world, the sink with water freely flowing into the street, the frantic mom, poop down the legs baby, crazy dog on the loose and DS yelling NO 5 years old and wonder who the heck these people were.
we are still working on getting the mess cleaned up....but currently we have all taken a break. so as I am trying to once again regroup this morning and get the house which is now worse then before cleaned up, on a day when I need to be on top of things because my husband has huge things going on, and I have to wonder what I am supposed to be learning at this moment, because it seems like I have had day after day like this lately. you know I actually was singing to myself this song, in the craziness...just because I needed it.
" my life is a gift, my life has a plan,
my life has a purpose in heaven it began,
my choice was to come to this lovely home and earth,
and seek for God light to direct me from birth,
I will follow Gods plan for me,
holding fast to his word and his love,
I will work and i will pray,
I will always walk in his way,
and I will be happy on earth,
and in my home above."
i suppose that all I need to remember right?
s
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Sick
I am Sick...I mean, I am SICK of being sick. It all stared the week of Eclipse, and it still hasn't gone away. so a now over a month of feeling like I can't breath..I can't run or swim, or sing or really clean properly. I am tired all the time...becuase I can't breath...so I am sick of it. I decided I was going to get better on sunday, just belivie it and pray about it and dang it, it was gonna work...it kind of did, but after a week of "getting better" I find myself in a worse spot then before, the cough has returned. Tomorrow is a third dr. appt. I hope she has some magic up her sleeve cause I am SO over this!! ( now that I have vented...I MAY be able to get over it) lol
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
the not so still pool
Mike and I started P90X this week, OH MAN, I cant hardly move! So yesterday while I tried to cool down, I stepped out into our back yard and sat to enjoy the very calming still pool. It is such a pretty shade of blue and seemingly so still, which was refreshing since most of the time when I am out there I am playing with the kids and trying to keep Joey safe ( hes crazy).
as I watched the still water it occurred to me that it was never really still. In the big pool I could see the tiniest things such as a baby fly or seed of a plant sent small ripples across ed the entire body of water. since there are ALWAYS small things entering the water, its ALWAYS moving.
I thought about my stress level. I often think, If I could remove the stress from my life it would be like a calm pool, wouldn't that be relaxing? Except on this morning I realized it would not be possible for me to really enjoy the pool with out dipping into its refreshing waters. But if I let myself into the water then it creates bigger waves...the calmness of the still pool disappears, so if I am enjoying life, its probably going to come with some stress...maybe from trying to get all the things I need to get done, DONE..... and still enjoying the day, or maybe from wanting to go places and then working to afford it...either way stress comes with life....
In the end pools are not meant to be swam in alone..not if you want to have fun!! except I realized that If I have others join me in my pool,9 heck even my husband and kids...which obviously I chose that route in life =)) well, that creates huge waves and splashes...so it is with our life, the more people you let into your pool the more stress....
so the even though I understand better how stress works in my life -because of my pool, I also am learning how to manage, my waves and splashes and ripples and even enjoy them, because if the pool is like my life, then I better jump in and enjoy it!
By the way obviously I love analogy's this is just how my brain works, so for those of you who take the time to read this, Just know I really love you!!
as I watched the still water it occurred to me that it was never really still. In the big pool I could see the tiniest things such as a baby fly or seed of a plant sent small ripples across ed the entire body of water. since there are ALWAYS small things entering the water, its ALWAYS moving.
I thought about my stress level. I often think, If I could remove the stress from my life it would be like a calm pool, wouldn't that be relaxing? Except on this morning I realized it would not be possible for me to really enjoy the pool with out dipping into its refreshing waters. But if I let myself into the water then it creates bigger waves...the calmness of the still pool disappears, so if I am enjoying life, its probably going to come with some stress...maybe from trying to get all the things I need to get done, DONE..... and still enjoying the day, or maybe from wanting to go places and then working to afford it...either way stress comes with life....
In the end pools are not meant to be swam in alone..not if you want to have fun!! except I realized that If I have others join me in my pool,9 heck even my husband and kids...which obviously I chose that route in life =)) well, that creates huge waves and splashes...so it is with our life, the more people you let into your pool the more stress....
so the even though I understand better how stress works in my life -because of my pool, I also am learning how to manage, my waves and splashes and ripples and even enjoy them, because if the pool is like my life, then I better jump in and enjoy it!
By the way obviously I love analogy's this is just how my brain works, so for those of you who take the time to read this, Just know I really love you!!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
garden days
Despite the fact that the dog ate 90% of our garden about 12 tomato plants survived and we have grapes a plenty! so here are some pictures of the kids enjoying it! I makes me SO happy to see the few things we have been able to grow and the Kids eating them like they are the best thing ever!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
American Idol
SO today I finally allowed myself to think about it....I have not been able to in the past because its a mixture of...well lets face it, I have to fight all my insecure demons, to possibly(?) (working on being positive here) get shot down and told that I should listen to them after all.....
you are probably wondering what I am talking about, let me tell you! My cute family started a face book page called " we think Brigette should try out for American Idol" and yes it has about 50 people family and friends on it. The thing is, they have all been so sweet and supportive that it made me wonder if my demons were real or fake, I suppose one way to find out its to try...
SO knowing that if anything came about, This blog would all the sudden be read by more the two or three people, lol, I want it to be know that I love to sing, when I am happy, sad or angry or confused, I sit down at that piano and sing my heart out. My poor neighbors get a concert every day because I love to sing! It is one of the things that makes me happy in those moments when nothing else can.
I am not young, I don't have a Mariah Carey like voice, but maybe I can let me self think that the world would enjoy hearing a Mom of three, wife of ten years, PTA loving, Relief Society goin' girl sing her heart out, and maybe they would even enjoy it. Maybe not...I mean the insecure demons say no one wants to hear it. BUT If I can get a my voice back, I am going to drive myself those two hours and try to remember how cute girls dress and do their makeup and sing my heart out...and MAYBE some one will enjoy it!
So, if you few friends and family who read this blog and love me, just because you do and you want to help, I need song suggestions. I love jazz and I need three songs with about 18 seconds of awesomeness....any suggestions?
you are probably wondering what I am talking about, let me tell you! My cute family started a face book page called " we think Brigette should try out for American Idol" and yes it has about 50 people family and friends on it. The thing is, they have all been so sweet and supportive that it made me wonder if my demons were real or fake, I suppose one way to find out its to try...
SO knowing that if anything came about, This blog would all the sudden be read by more the two or three people, lol, I want it to be know that I love to sing, when I am happy, sad or angry or confused, I sit down at that piano and sing my heart out. My poor neighbors get a concert every day because I love to sing! It is one of the things that makes me happy in those moments when nothing else can.
I am not young, I don't have a Mariah Carey like voice, but maybe I can let me self think that the world would enjoy hearing a Mom of three, wife of ten years, PTA loving, Relief Society goin' girl sing her heart out, and maybe they would even enjoy it. Maybe not...I mean the insecure demons say no one wants to hear it. BUT If I can get a my voice back, I am going to drive myself those two hours and try to remember how cute girls dress and do their makeup and sing my heart out...and MAYBE some one will enjoy it!
So, if you few friends and family who read this blog and love me, just because you do and you want to help, I need song suggestions. I love jazz and I need three songs with about 18 seconds of awesomeness....any suggestions?
suppose I should keep posting!
I have had issues with my blog lately its taking FOREVER to load, but today its working so I suppose I should post! The summer is almost over ( which I can not believe) but that makes me reflect on what we have done with our summer and what we still want to do with the few weeks left, here are a few- very few- pictures of our summer. Looking at our pictures I realized it been an awesome summer because we have done basically two things...Hang out with the family constantly ( which is incredible since we live over 7 hours apart) and SWIM since this is our very first summer with a pool of our own...its pretty much been awesome!! Can any one remember if I blogged about joey and the 18 eggs? I just found those very sweet pictures. SO, with the few more weeks left, I think we will " just keep swimming" and get our house organized and ready for the new crazy school year!
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